This is a continuation and part of a series. This article, as is the series, is evolving. To see Part 1, go here.

If you've followed me to Part 2, then you might be wondering what it was like to jump back into dating after being off the market for so long, what energy I am talking about exactly that I am coming from, and ultimately, I expect you're wanting me to get to the part about how I ended up being somewhat of a female Hitch.

Well, as for my emergence into the field - I would say it was similar to entering into a tribe in a far away land. Perhaps having read about this tribe in a book or heard of others' travels, I cognitively understood the landscape but the experience of being IN it was surreal. The games the men were playing, the masks they were wearing, the personas, the bravado! To be fair, I imagine women were also playing games and wearing masks... but I wasn't going on dates with them. Having just come out of an 18-month hibernation, where my sole focus was development of self with an emphasis on learning and befriending my shadow, I was thrown (and later amused) at the strange and unfamiliar territory. The scene was only exacerbated by my unique presence in it. An energetic, smiley, tall, blonde amidst this mediterranean paradise, I was exotic, unfamiliar, and virgin; culturally foreign and untouched by the experiences that shape so many after dating in their 20's. Aside from a sense of serene poignancy relating to my previous partnership (which somehow only seemed to make me more humble and understanding as I took ownership of the pain caused in my wake) I was joyful, ingenuous even, and looking at the world (dating included) with excitement and curiosity, lacking the mental or emotional baggage of a 30-something woman single in the field.

Initially, I was living on a romantic assumption that men would approach me to show interest or ask me out. You know, a glance across a coffee shop followed by a flirtation of eyes, enough tension to attract looks from other customers waiting for the moment when he would walk across the room to spark up a conversation.... Only, this literally never happened; I was truly surprised at the lack of initiative men would take to make a move in public.* Disappointed, and wondering a little if I was not attractive enough for this new market, I began to utilize dating apps (which cleared up any hesitations I had about my looks).

I was a little unnerved when I had over 500 matches my first month on Tinder. I quickly learned that what many men felt would be successful (and perhaps WAS successful with other woman) was quite the turnoff for me. A few poor dates with very attractive men and a few spectacular dates with some of the worst profiles you could imagine, I realized that there is a working theme for women (it involved little clothing and lots of makeup - a strategy I refused to enable) but for men, it was more difficult. A really attractive profile generally led to an egoistic specimen (or sometimes a totally different man - yes, men catfish also) and a lackluster profile could mean a shy man or a busy man, or best yet, a man who preferred meeting a woman in real life. There are some gems in the online dating scene but finding them really is like digging for hidden treasure. I learned how to assess a male profile and master the initial text conversation to weed out the weirdos and sometimes even uncover a few diamonds.

Knowing there were a few qualities that were important to me, I started there. I assessed for things like manners, politeness, and generally normal social etiquette. I wasn't looking for a 'nice' guy, I was looking for a man who understood how to be respectful in a general sense - an understanding of where lines should not be crossed, and an ability to hold a cohesive conversation; quirky, assertive, or shy, the language of respect is generally universal. Intellect and intelligence were also desirable qualities for me; I love learning and I am curious about lots of stuff, so I was more inclined to look for profiles where I could see that the man had a hobby or passion about something. I didn't care so much that someone had a lot of money or a big job, but I wanted to meet someone who had a sense of pride in what they do or how they spent their time. Sometimes I found this in a barista who made €3 an hour, and I even went out with a guy who lived in an illegal squat - he was super cool, too. And lastly, but arguably the most essential, I was evaluating the mindset. I wanted to spend my time with someone FUN, a man who could go on adventures with me or share hidden places I'd never been. I wanted to go skinny dipping under the moon or to a techno festival in a warehouse (both options actually happened at one point or another). I was immediately turned off (and almost repulsed) by men who found their home in negativity, a sense of entitlement, or a 'poor me' attitude. (Remind me to tell you about Dennis, the Greek accountant who sent me a dick pick after I politely declined a first date kiss. Pretty sure he's still single and blaming the world for it.)

Something that seemed to make me remarkable to the men I spoke with was how much I accepted where they were at mentally, emotionally, and physically. Even the ones I wasn't interested in, I treated with respect and always responded to messages and explained politely before exiting a match (unless it was quite obvious their behavior was the reason). While I was not totally immune to harassment or poor manners (for sure there were some childhood and young adult situations that rocked me), I was naturally imbued with a strong and cheery personality (I've been gifted the moniker 'chipper' if that helps you create an idea of my aura) and I'm deadly confident. I have a presence. This, in combination with my previous lengthy partnership and my deep dive into self before jumping back into the dating pool, had somehow overshadowed and healed any negative perception of men I had. So, I found that I was relatively unbothered by men who had different goals than I did on the dating scene. Their differing expectations (casual sex, running game, etc.) had no bearing on the outcome of our date (if they were granted one)... no more than my desire and decision, anyhow. And their expectations of women as a whole didn't really impact me as an individual - because I understand the concept of sovereignty. This was somehow frustrating to a small few men, but what I found more often was a curious intrigue in meeting an attractive woman who was open to anything that called me, and more simply wanted to spend my time in the present, living fully. Of course, the hope was that I would end up dating (or sleeping with) them, and that is ultimately what we were assessing on the date - would we match romantically (even if our pace may have differed). The way the dates flowed allowed for playfulness and chemistry without the seriousness of a woman trying to play a persona or give an interview.

With all the nuance of dating today, from the expanding versions of feminism, to societal judgement of the historical chivalrous archetype, including emotionally reactive movements (while, in some cases, legitimate, like many women impacted by #metoo) and unrealistic guidelines and expectations of behavior that men are up against these days, you can imagine the surprise (and relief) of men when we would go for a date and I would cheerfully buy my own drink (or accept theirs, if they genuinely offered) and ask questions like what their deepest desire in life is - with genuine interest and acceptance. I also asked things like how many threesomes they'd had, and what their opinion on DMT is; no topic was off limits, I wanted to get to know all the bits they would share. I was as happy to take a walk by the sea as I was to go dancing at a club, and all other types of dates in between. I was often asked if I understood what Tinder was used for - to which I confidently and airily replied with an assured and relaxed smile, "Sure, I do - dating." For some men, this response was a breath of fresh air. You could almost see their physical body change, posture and micro-expressions softened as they realized that whatever information or experience they were willing to share with me would be OK. With others, perhaps a better question on their part would have been whether our definition of dating was consistent; most times it was not, and I was OK with that.

Quickly learning how to successfully engage with men on dating apps, I found myself somewhat overwhelmed with options. My calendar was filling up and I realized I was losing track of conversations and the key to getting a date truly became a matter of who asked me, and how quickly. Unlike other women, I was quick to go out - but also quick to move on. Not necessarily feeling pressure to settle down, I was playing a game of discovery. I used my history in sales as an inspiration, and played the numbers game. I was new in the country and I love people, so instead of finding a friends group, I socialized through dates. I went on over 150 dates in a year, and pretty consistenly kept this pace for 18 months. One week, I went on just under 20. I did coffee in the morning, lunch or afternoon coffee, and perhaps a drink in the evening. I lined 'em up. Someone once confronted me and said, "That's not fair to the men. They are going out with you for the purpose of dating you and you are using them to make friends." To which I replied, when did dating become synonymous with casual sexual intercourse? For sure that's a goal for some, and I'm definitely not here to judge, but that isn't the only way to date. My goal in dating wasn't to shack up with randos but to learn what it is that I wanted in a long term partner. For sure, sexual experiences ended up occurring along the way. And as I progressed in my dating journey, I confirmed for myself that I highly valued that exchange, and so the desire for physical connection was overshadowed by the desire for the wholeness of what I wanted: mental, emotional, intellectual, spiritual and physical; This was what I was looking for ultimately, and everything along the way was an opportunity to see how realistic my desires were.

I had already had someone great, and it didn't work. I had done the work on myself, and surely I was (becoming) a different person, but I had an idea that the depths I had learned about myself would call for my next partner to have the capacity to hold space for my complexity. In any case, there was a beautiful dance that occurred on my dates. I didn't go in with a rigid intention, my only desire on a first date was to see if I wanted to have a second date. There was no pretence and no pressure, just an authentic meeting, one soul to another; meeting a new man and hearing what he was willing to tell me. And let me tell you, what I found is that men deeply want to be seen and allowed to BE.

(...To be continued)

This post is part of an evolving series. Stay tuned for new installments.

Footnotes:

*I would later get deep into an understanding of why this was the case, more on that in another post.

Some relevant additions: I imagine some people will want to have reference points for this experience to place it in the real world, so I will provide some short notes and give some background to paint a picture.

Men are visually stimulated beings. It goes to the biology. I'll dive deeper into this in a later series, but note that getting a seat at the table to have the opportunity to peel back the intellectual and emotional layers is a much easier process when you're an attractive woman - and that's just reality. I don't believe men would be so curious or intrigued if I had not first gotten their attention through my looks. In person, a woman who is less good looking but above average in charisma can capture a man's attention like this. Online, it is much more difficult to obtain attention unless you are visually appealing and better yet if you understand how to psychologically engage or connect in conversation. Playfulness is key, and being confident without being entitled/egoistic is a great skill to learn for the women out there (the men, too to be honest).