Back in 2020, I had just left a 10 year relationship, and embarked upon a year of traveling and backpacking before entering the dating world in 2021. Almost like a doe in the forest, I entered into a scene of casual sex, tinder gaming, and LOTS of unmet emotional trauma. I was floored to experience what the norm of dating culture had become and I started to understand the struggles I had heard about from my female friends over the ten year period where I had been cozily coupled up.
Don't get me wrong, I had my own journey to walk, and was not without my own traumas to be worked through... but unlike most of the people I encountered, I had spent the previous decade with a truly wonderful person and in a very emotionally safe partnership (at least on my part). He had no addictions, there was absolutely no cheating or distrust, he was a great provider (like when he encouraged me to take a $40K pay-cut to pursue my dreams), and had a healthy sense of his masculine, evidenced by his content in the following years when I became the primary provider making 30% more than him. While every person has their own journey and areas to improve, I can honestly say most of the issues we faced were about my inability to let go of expectations and deal with my own shit (how's that feel to hear, fellas? A woman taking FULL ownership of her part in a dynamic). In the end, I left the partnership and the worst thing I can say about my past partner is that he should have been the one to leave me.... and much sooner than I made the choice. But this is how it goes. We live our journey and we walk our path and we leave when we leave.
I took off to travel, to find myself, and to figure out how I could get something so beautiful so messed up. When I was ready, I entered the dating world with a really unique perspective - I loved men. Having grown up with brothers, I understood them. And after the experience I had with my ex, I deeply and humbly saw their struggles with women. I also had another unique factor: Having spent 10 years with someone, I was a 31 year old unattached woman who was interested in a conscious partnership but wasn't feeling the pressure to shove a man into my vision of a future. I had been left untarnished by the playboys of the 20-something decade, and came consummate with an expectation of men to be emotionally present and with good intentions - because that is what I had become accustomed to. I was also painfully aware I had spent 10 years trying to control and force things to be how I saw they should be (outsourcing the responsibility of my growth, rather than personally confronting my own shadows). At this point in my life, I was content to simply meet men, learn about them, and hear where they were along their journey.
I am so glad that I didn't have any pressure inside of me during that time to find 'the one' because perhaps (probably certainly) my experience would have been different if I had. I often talk about the energy and the place that we come from as people. It is not about what we say, it is about the intention and the feeling behind it. I believe that people can feel this, and I think this is where a lot of struggles come from for women and men in the dating world.
(...To be continued)
This post is part of an evolving series. Stay tuned for new installments. To see Part 2, go here.