I stand leaning against the door next to the kitchen and watch my mother pouring tea. I love how cozy the room looks, it's always warm and the shadows of the trees outside the window seem to carefully cover the room. Only for their own. Protecting it so that no one can't see. I watch the movement of these shadows and listen to the conversation between my mother and my cousin's husband. He's recently arrived from the city with his family and stopped by for a visit.
I don't like Sasha. He makes me feel like I'm smaller than myself. I can't explain the feeling, but it's there all the time, stiffening and bouncing under his judgmental gaze. Just like that.
- Should she get braces?
Mom didn't hear the question and asked him to repeat it.
- Natasha needs braces. Or dentures. You should have done it a long time ago, what fangs she has.
I look at him and realize that I was smiling, looking at the cozy kitchen and the shadows of the trees.
And meanwhile he didn't see me, but a mistake that needs to be fixed. To make things normal.
My mother jokes awkwardly and says I'm already beautiful and nothing needs to be fixed.
I wish she would throw him out of the house. I wish I could grin so hard that I look like a wolf. Like a watchdog. To growl right in his face and bite him with these fangs.
- Smile again, Natasha! Show me what you've got.
The shadows of the trees walk anxiously outside the window. They're strangers in my territory.
Instead of grinning, I covered my mouth with my hand.
I was fourteen.
I still feel ashamed sometimes when I smile too broadly. My hand reaches my face.
I pull my hand away and show my teeth. For this smile that no one could protect.