Before deciding to write on this topic, I had been searching my memory to see what I could write about. To me, I don’t write because I just want to write. I write because I want to share my thoughts and feelings. To me, it’s the best way of getting in touch with how I feel about certain things and a way of expressing them.
Do you feel like you have done so much and you ought to be in a better place yet you are not? That is exactly the place I am. If I had started to write about this article around 8:42 am, I am pretty sure there is a lot I would have in my head to say. I had tweeted something by that time. Which was “Most of my TL is filled with Thanksgiving posts and people being grateful for something, and honestly I currently don't feel grateful for anything.”
I know people would have thoughts and say things like, “Oh you have life, be grateful for that”, “You have your family to be grateful for”, “Be grateful for community. You have people” etc. Now don’t get me wrong, I do not take any of that or them for granted. I am pretty sure they are aware of that. I just didn’t feel grateful at that point.
Battling Inflation as a Youth
One of my favourite things to say is, “Life tuff”, which is just my way of saying life is tough. Which is quite the truth of it, life can be quite tough. Especially as someone whose coming of age is when his country is facing inflation rates, never been seen before.
I scroll Twitter quite often as someone who is chronically online, I stumble on Tweets from people who posted pre-2015 era. These tweets basically contained how much it would cost to carry out some activities like a return trip to Dubai from Lagos, a return trip to Kenya etc. Sometimes those things sound unbelievable when people say them randomly in person but those tweets are proof that it was in fact, possible.
From those tweets, you would see people who earned way less than what I am able to earn from freelancing here and there, doing things that are currently what I would consider a luxurious spend because I am too poor to afford it.
I have a lot of ways I feel, and daily different emotions pass through my heart. One of them is anger, anger not in the way that I want to physically hurt anyone, I don’t think I can ever lay my hands on anyone. It’s a different type of anger, an anger of being deprived of things you were supposed to enjoy.
I see my peers online, thanks to the internet, who are in different countries doing incredible things. Things that I end up envying, in a good way, wishing I could also do that. To me, they are living life. I just don’t want to survive, I want to live.
Life is interesting
Life is quite interesting. In any situation or scenario, there are a lot of internal and external factors that can affect how things turn out. It is so interesting that identical twins can be raised under the same roof, go to the same school and still end up completely different from each other. What this means is that you could end up doing what person A did and yet, turn out with a result different from what person A got. That’s just how life is interesting.
When people ask to know my views on some life-related matters, I like to throw in the context that in life, nothing is certain aside from life and death. It also serves as a reminder to myself too. I could follow some life principles like consistency, showing up etc. and still not get the result I am expecting.
I have done a couple of things and expected positive results or to be rewarded for it but in the end, my expectations have not been reached. People tell me I am smart, but lately, I don’t feel smart. Because if I am that good, surely I should be in a better place overall. This reminds me of the MIT article titled, “If you’re so smart, why aren’t you rich? Turns out it’s just chance.” While I agree with some points the article raised, I still think a smart person should be able to maximise their luck.
The Storm Before The Calm
These past weeks, I have been going through a very rough patch. A lot of things have been happening, things that as much as I try to be an open book, I am not open to sharing with strangers on the internet. I am slowly seeing myself slip into becoming a recluse. Yesterday I stepped out of my bedroom to grab something. My neighbour mentioned to me that I have lost weight and I am not even going to the gym. I agree with her and I am even scared to check my blood pressure.
There’s an interesting quote I stumbled on, one of these days. It says, “Don’t ask for a lighter load, ask for a stronger back” and it is attributed to Philip Brooks. There are a lot of things that are not going as I planned this year, a lot of things. While I try to not put my mind to it, some days I end up being in my feelings. However, I do not like to focus on what I have no full control over. I prefer to divert that attention to something else.
I feel like I have so much potential and it’s just being wasted, due to a good number of factors but largely because of the place I currently find myself located. Maybe this is true, maybe I am just making excuses, or maybe I am wrong and it’s just a passing feeling. Maybe what I am experiencing is just that storm before the calm.
Conclusion
I do not know what the future looks like for me honestly. A lot of people who know me in real life probably think I have my life figured out already. Sadly I don’t. But would I continue to dwell on this feeling? I don’t think so. The best I can do is to hold my head up and maybe when this is all over, I can make reference to this phase and laugh about it.
This is not meant to be a self-pity piece of work, I just like to document my experiences so I can get to check back in the future and gauge my progress in life sort of. Thanks for reading my work, I look forward to writing to you and hopefully by then I will be in a better place mentally.
