The voices. They were wild and untameable, buzzing through her head like she was some sort of passage to another unknown world, and Sofia… Sofia didn't understand why or maybe she did but tune her brain off like a radio static channel into not believing anything.
“No, no… not them” she said with her body vibrating loudly on the cold floor she laid. Nothing matters anymore, at least, not to her. Not at this moment, not ever. They were all gone. Gone like a house set ablaze with all life's savings.
Closing her eyes quietly as if afraid her eyelids may make a sound to draw her awake to face the misery before her eyes, she whimpered. Afraid she'd be able to see the element that made the painful sound and that it would remind her. Remind her of a few hours ago. The few hours that led to her doom. No! She can't… she can't be reminded of that she shuddered rolling her body into a ball.
But the sound. It wasn't done yet as it came again, crawling into her skin like a centipede and this time, it was deafening as she watched with intensity. With open eyes, she could see how everything unfolded before her very eyes and then the scream from her lungs repeatedly as she closed her eyes tighter, turning left and right vehemently as if to chase out the vivid images in her mind. The one she had conjured which seems to haunt her more than the actual deed.
Biting her lower lip with great force, she laughed hysterically like a lost scientist. Deeply, she knew. Yes, she ought to know that this was better. The pain was better. She deserved it so, she focused her mind on the image like she now willed the power of a telekinesis. It was brutal and it shook her soul, but she didn't stop.
She imagined the music… the sound that must have emitted from the car's speaker as they drove. She knew exactly how Rachel would have acted whenever she heard the sound of music , especially in a moving car. How she would have rocked her body, twisting it like Koreans ramen and how James would have laughed at not just her but also at Gary's hyping. And then, Sharon would have giggled endlessly as James followed suit with Rachel's dance step as she still focused on driving.
They were always like that. She met them like that. They were the only ones who didn't see her being a nerd as an abuse. Instead, they embraced her. Told her she was beautiful because it was true and asked her to flex her true self with no shame and that she did. They gave her courage. The courage to stand in the society that would laugh at her glasses or her petite frame.
But, her friends always stood by her. Her mind flashed back to how she had met them. It was an experience she would like to go through again as long as she met them.
The other kids bullied her. From little, they had done so up till college.
“That's her. The girl with four eyes.” One of the bullies had said.
“Alien. Alien!!!” The others had chanted before the rain of eggs splatter around her body like she was some dumping ground.
“Ooops! I guess she doesn't have multiple hands and eyes at the back” Another had said as echoes of laughter vibrated through them.
They knew she didn't have multiple hands or eyes at the back. This wasn't the first time they had done it and one would think she would have gotten used to it.
A sad laugh escaped through her lips as she took a step forward and then she heard it. Their voices… no, it was the music in their car that came forth and they had fought off her bullies. Made them apologize to her and Sofia had been moved by their kindness.
She had thought that would be all as they didn't go to the same college as her but fate… Fate had been so gracious with her when she saw them waiting just a few meters from her school. They were waiting for her.
“Hello, angel!” The one she later got to know as James had called to her and the others had joined in. They introduced themselves, hugged her like they've been friends for years and that was how their friendship bloomed.
They would wait for her everyday to pick her up from school and make her feel alive.
Two months after meeting them, Sofia was able to express herself. Her true self without being afraid and that was how it all went till they graduated college, applied and was admitted to the same university and graduated with honors.
They did it all together. And so you'd ask, why was she alone in misery, scared to open her eyes and with an imagination so cruel and disturbing that death doesn’t just feel like an option but hell was if it truly exists.
Biting her upper lip tightly with her eyes closed, Sofia cried so hard that her soul hurts.
“They had wanted to stay, but you pushed them out”, her mind mocked her as she hit her chest repeatedly like an aggressive masculine King Kong would.
With a shaky breath, she was reminded of a few hours ago. She was supposed to go with them. They had planned to go to the movies and even got tickets days ago and she was supposed to be in the car with them but her…
Damn!
Her menstrual pain had come unannounced and they had wanted to stay with her. Not caring about the money they had paid to get those tickets or being among the first people to watch the movie at the cinema. They were willing to sacrifice everything as usual for her but she won't let them.
“At least not this time,” she had foolishly thought.
So, she pushed them out instead after they had gotten her everything she needed to get better. And… and…
Placing her hands on her mouth, Sofia screamed so loudly as she hit her chest repeatedly again as if the first time wasn't enough. The thought of death crossed her mind repeatedly and she knew. She knew she deserved it for killing her friends. In fact, she deserves years of torturing hours with the devil himself.
She cursed the day they met her. The harmonious years they’ve spent together. They would have been alive if they hadn't met her. They would have…
Gently opening her eyes, Sofia stared at the Tv with so much hate. It was where the news had come from. The news of an accident in a red BMW with four young and thriving souls.
Holding her head tightly, she screamed again as if to drown the mockery in her head but instead, it increased and she knew. She knew it was time to end it all.
Standing up from the cold floor, she took her step forward but stopped in her tracks when she heard familiar footsteps on her doorway and then her door opening.
“Am I dreaming?” she questioned the air around her as eight pairs of eyes stared at her with tears in their eyes.
She watched. No. She must have imagined their feet coming closer to her, touching her skin and hugging her.
Yes, she must have imagined it because it can't be real. Her mind was playing a trick on her again and this is even worse. A torture too cruel and Sofia cried again but this time, the tears didn't stain her cheeks like before. Instead, they wet someone's dress and a familiar smell filled her senses.
No. There were a lot of familiar smells mixed with sweats and they were holding her tightly.
She wasn't imagining things right?
“James?” she called out loud, her voice croaky.
“Rachel?” she called again with a whimper.
“Sharon?” she spoke silently with new fresh tears streaming down her face.
“Gary?” she whispered quietly as if afraid she had imagined it all.
Raising her face, she broke into more cries as they all nodded and cried with her.
Minutes stretched its limbs toward hours and there they all stood crying together as if they had seen a strange emotion filled movie that had touched their soul.
But, no. That wasn't it.
They hadn't watched a movie. Instead, they had all felt the pain of reality. The reality of them losing each other and it was brutal.
Sofia would have taken the pain the bullies and society had inflicted on her any day to this pain. She would have happily embraced that pain with passion. She would have…
Grinding her teeth together, Sofia cried more and more until darkness overtook her very being.
****
The presence of light on her skin jolted Sofia awake from slumber. Placing her hands on her chest, she hurriedly left her bed as if she was chased by bedbugs. She walked into her sitting room and searched around for clues though she wasn't exactly sure of the clue to what.
“What is the time?” she murmured loudly running back into her room to search for her phone. Every second that passed in silence as she searched her room was scary but still, she didn’t know why or why her heart thumped so loudly in her chest.
Her head ached so badly that she was convinced her brain was tired and ready to leave her to face her misery alone.
“Where did I keep it?” She questioned no one in particular before running back to the sitting room and then to the kitchen where her eyes saw an object on the kitchen counter.
Quickly walking closer to the kitchen counter, she picked up the phone with both hands as if afraid it might fall.
At first, she checked the time and then the date before a line of worry caressed her face.
No, or was it Yes? It was today, she was sure and the sun was already setting. She thought but still, she didn’t know why she felt that way.
Why does she feel like she just saw a scary reality vivid movie? She thought again, racking her brain for any clue.
Placing one hand on her head, Sofia tried to remember the emotions she had felt. “Was it last night? What happened last night?” she cussed loudly and just then, a chirpy voice followed by giggle and laughs came through her front door.
“Oh… she's awake!” James screamed, blowing her a kiss.
“How do you feel?” Rachel asked, pushing James off to get to her.
“Your face looks pale, darling?” Gary said, walking towards her with a frown.
“Well, you all got her drunk last night. What were you all expecting?” Sharon rolled her, pushing them all away before hugging Sofia tightly.
“Last night?” Sofia murmured quietly before it all came rushing on her. The memories of last night.
The sound of her voice… the dance, the alcohol that burned her throat as they played a game.
“Oh, last night?” Sofia giggled with a light heart. They did Karaoke last night in her house, drank and danced too before darkness overtook her.
So, that means the pain she felt in her head. The cries she thought she heard were all part of the fun night they had? She thought with a larger smile.
Laughing out loud, Sofia held her heart. She must have had a terrible dream last night, she thought as she hugged Sharon tightly.
“You look better now. We made you hangover soup. Drink and dress up. We have a movie to watch!” James sang with a smile.
Nodding her head, Sofia sat down and finished the soup while her friends watched a movie together.
The time for the movie came and then Sofia felt a sharp pain in her spine. Holding her stomach tightly, she yelped in pain. It was her period. It came unannounced and her friends suggested being there to help her go through that phase.
But Sofia wasn't having that. She didn't want to be the reason they missed out on the movie but just as she was about to decline, her world spinned around like she was in circles. She felt a strange familiar pang in her heart as she moaned out in pain. Holding her chest tightly with a forced breath, images of a time that never existed flashed through her mind and Sofia gasped.
“No, no.” she whispered quietly as if putting pauses in between the images to see clearly but she knew and her heart felt it. The pain, the suffering… the sound that shattered her soul in the background.
“Are you okay?” she heard a familiar voice whisper quietly. Lifting her face up to face the speaker, tears streamed down her face as she held Sharon close to her face before whipping her head back and forth.
“I am not okay.” she replied holding her friends who had now gathered to lift her up from her pitiable state.
“Movies can wait. We'll see it later so, let's all stay with you tonight, alright?” Gary said with concern, lacing in his voice.
Nodding her head frantically like a baby promised a candy soon, Sofia rose up and rested herself in the midst of her friends, cuddling them all like a big bear would.
… and together, they had watched another movie instead, discarding the tickets they had gotten for the movie days before.
*****
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