Contains scenes of self-harm, viewer's discretion is advised.
I didn’t see Nenye or Chudi for a whole two weeks after that day. Nenye was swarmed with work, Chudi and I had made the unspoken decision to avoid eachother's company.
I busied myself trying to finish up my online courses. Took on more clients than usual. Nearly drained out my wine supply. I even drunk-dialled Suleiman in a moment of alcohol fuelled courage and righteous indignation. His wife picked, and I hung up immediately. I did anything I could to ignore the self-loathing I felt, nothing worked.
Sunday, I woke up from another confusing dream and decided tiding my flat would keep my mind busy. I was doing laundry that afternoon when my phone rang, I picked it hurriedly, grateful for the distraction.
"Doyele."
My heart sank. I had been avoiding her calls for weeks.
"Mummy good afternoon ma."
"What is good about the afternoon? I have been calling and you're not picking. Did I do something wrong?"
"No mummy I'm sorry. It's work. Don't be upset."
I quickly changed the topic. "How are you? How was your trip to Ilorin?"
That did the trick. I got a rundown on everything going on at my grandmother's place and how infuriating all my father’s relations were.
"I’m telling you if you see what that girl was putting on, eh? I don’t understand fashion these days, how can you be wearing a cloth and everybody is seeing your bra? Hello are you there?"
"I'm here ma. You were talking about Aunty Doyin's daughter's clothes."
"Hmm. You're sounding distracted."
"I'm fine don't worry."
"Hmmm. Okay, if you say so."
"By the way, when are you coming to see me? It has been long oh." She queried.
I sighed. "Mummy you know why I can't come."
She sighed. "I don't know why your father is so stubborn. Eh!"
I came out to my family after my graduation from university. After my announcement, my mother fainted. Upon revival she threw off her gele, rolled on the floor and cried about how I wanted to destroy her life. My father's reaction was less dramatic. He rolled his eyes at my mother then hit me with the usual disappointed glance he had for me.
It was funny, considering how my father and elder brothers had made fun of me all my life for being different from them. I was too quiet, too calm, I cried too much. I remembered Lanre calling me a bloody faggot. Way before I even knew what the term meant. I wondered why everyone was so shocked I finally confirmed it.
My father told me to stay away from the family, he's a politician and such things are bad for his image. I already had my apartment lined up and happily packed out the next morning.
"Doyele!" My mother called. She had come round to having a gay son last year and was trying to get the rest of the family to do so without much luck.
"Ma I'm here."
"You're not here. I can hear it in your voice."
I remained quiet.
"Talk to me." She urged. "I'm your mother."
I couldn't help it. "Mummy I've done something bad. To Nenye."
She was quiet. "Have you begged her? Should I talk to her?"
"Mummy she doesn't know yet. I don't know how to tell her."
My mother sighed. "Doyele you have to tell her. If not for anything, for your conscience. Talk to her. Beg her for forgiveness. She will come around."
"Both of you have been friends all your lives. Nothing can come between you." She stated.
We spoke for a few more minutes then cut the call. My mother was right. I needed to come clean.
Friday found me restless. I had buried myself in work all week and had nothing left to do. Summoning my last bit of courage, I texted Nenye telling her we needed to talk about something important. She texted saying she would be here after work. On second thought I texted Chudi.
Few minutes later, I heard my front door open and footsteps marching down the kitchen. Chudi entered the living room.
"What's up?" Chudi leaned against the kitchen door, arms folded.
"When are you talking to Nenye?"
"Why are you asking?"
"Because I want to come clean to her too."
He looked surprised. "Is this you growing a conscience?"
"It's me trying to do the right thing. This isn't about us. It's about her. I want to come clean. I owe her that."
"You're going to lose her. We both are."
He was right. I was going to lose the person who never judged me. The person who understood me. Who cared about me in a way my family never had. It was all my fault too.
"We can't keep deceiving her." My voice was breaking. I felt my eyes grow misty and blinked the tears away.
"When?" Chudi asked. His voice was low.
"Today." He nodded. "She's coming over for the weekend this evening. I guess we have a bit of time before we lose her"
"Yeah." Then softly. "I'm sorry. It's all my fault."
Chudi snorted. "I am too. And I'm not. Does that make sense?"
I nodded again. "I guess." Then snarkily, "Maybe now you can freely run around with all the men in Lagos."
"Eh? Where's that coming from?" He stepped forward, so he was standing above me.
"Nothing. Don’t mind me."
"She told you about when I ran into her sister at Cirque?"
"It doesn't matter." I felt foolish.
"If there's anyone who has any right to be upset with me, it's my fiancée. Not the guy who our kiss meant nothing to him." His voice was hard.
"That was unnecessary. I'm sorry. Let's forget about it." I wanted to ground to swallow me up.He sat down beside me.
"Susan's one of my closest friends at work." He paused. "She's a lesbian. I opened up to her about how confused I've been feeling and she invited me for an outing with her friends. Just to test the vibe and see how hanging with them felt like."
"It's none of my business."
"But you're upset." He turned to look at me. "You're jealous."
"Shut up!"
He laughed. "I'm going to lose you too, aren't I?" He was suddenly sober.
"Yeah. We can't. Not after what we did to her." The familiar feeling of guilt and self-loathing filled me again.
He sighed. "This hurts man. I know it seems like I'm just cruising but, I'm fucking terrified man. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm going to lose people. I'm hurting people I care about. Sometimes I feel like I should just go on with Nenye. But I can't do that to her. I can’t be like those men you fuck around with. No offense, but that’s no way to live."
I sighed. "Be careful out there."
"Sure."
We sat in silence. Weighing the cost of our actions.
"Was it nothing to you?"
I turned. He was looking right at me. I couldn't look away.
"Chudi ... "
"Just be honest with me. Please. Was it really nothing?" His eyes were pleading.
I let out the breath I was holding. I felt my chest tighten. My cheeks grew hot. He was drawing closer. I was fighting a battle against lust and love and I was losing.
"No." I breathed. "No, it wasn't."
His lips met mine, and I was gone. His hands reached out, pulling my shoulders, bringing our bodies closer. He felt warm, I could hear his heart beating. Racing like mine. His breath was cool; I could taste the mints he was always licking. I felt it race down my lungs. He let out a moan, and I lost it, biting down on his lip as he gasped. I was a starving thirsty man in a desert who discovered an oasis. I wanted more. I pulled him closer. Heard him whimper. Traced my tongue against his teeth, his tongue. I was wrapped in a haze. For a moment I forgot about Nenye. Forgot how wrong our actions were. I could lie to myself. He was mine. Just like I had always wanted.
Suddenly, he gasped and quickly pulled away. I opened my eyes. He was looking above me, at the kitchen door. His eyes were wide in terror.
"N ... Nenye ... no ... " He stammered.
Her laugh was biting. "I'm always telling Doye to lock his door, abi? But he doesn’t listen."
Chudi was up in a flash. "Nenye this ... this isn't what it looks like."
"Then explain." Her voice was deathly calm.
"Nenye ... I ... it ... please I'm sorry. Please." His voice was choked with tears.
I remained frozen on the couch. I had to force myself to get up. Turned. Looked my best friend in the eye and be hit with the weight of my lies and betrayal. My eyes welled up with tears.
"Nenye please ... " I begged.
"Shut up." She screamed. " YOU!" She pointed at me. "You fucking liar! YOU!" "AHHHH!"
She snatched the wig off her head and flung it. It hit me and I winced as the fibres stung my face.
"You couldn't even wait till he was married, could you?" She laughed, her voice laced with sarcasm. "You just had to have him for yourself, you ... you fucking BASTARD!"
Chudi was still pleading."Shut up! Shut the fuck up!"
"How long has this been going on?"
"Nenye, please. It's not what you think." Chudi wept.
"I said HOW LONG?"
"It was only once. I swear. We aren't. We ... we were ... going to tell you. I swear. Nenye please."
I was frozen. I tried to open my mouth, but no words came out. My feet were firmly planted on the tiles.
"I … it’s so … how did this happen? How could you do this to ME?" She wailed.
"You know what? I am DONE!" She yanked the ring off her finger roughly and threw it at Chudi.
"Do me a favour and stay the hell away from me. Both of you." She croaked and ran off.
"Nenye please wait." Chudi started after her. He turned to me, tears streaming down his face.
"What's wrong with you? Why aren't you saying anything?"
I couldn't speak. He ran after her.I remained frozen.
I wanted to run after them but my feet refused. They remained firmly planted to the ground. I could only remain standing with my mouth wide open and tears running down my face. When I could finally move I ran outside. Both their cars were gone. I called. I left messages. I begged. They never replied.
They said the woman was driving roughly, she nearly hit a pedestrian and braked sharply. They said the man following her was speeding. That when she braked he couldn’t slow down on time. He crashed into her. None of them were paying attention to traffic. They didn't see the incoming trailer. It was too late to stop the collision. Fuel was leaking and it was too late for anyone to do anything. Such a pity. If only they were not speeding. If only they paid more attention to the road.
If only I had never been born. If only I had never met Nenye. If only I had continued giving Chudi the cold shoulder. I was left in a state of limbo, I stopped eating, sleeping, working, painting. I became mute, numb, I was like a nylon bag floating in the wind with no direction. Even when their parents begged to know what caused the fight that led to their deaths, I didn’t say a word. I helped plan their funeral. I held the shovel and poured sand on the coffin.
The nightmares started the night of the funeral. I was relieved when they came, I knew I couldn't go unpunished. In my dreams they haunted me. I saw them in the shadows, in the ceilings, I saw them in the clouds. They were everywhere. Pointing bloody accusing fingers at me.
Tonight, I was going to end it. Getting past my mother was the hard part. She saw past the fake smiles. She noticed how gaunt I had become. She had insisted I move back into the family house after their deaths, but now I wanted to go home.
It was my father who sealed it.
"Let the boy go if he wants."
Nobody argued with Chief Jacobs in his own house. So I hugged my mother for what would be the last time and left.
It took me an hour to get to my apartment. I walked wearily up the stairs, paused at Chudi's door. It already had a 'For Rent' sign on it. I tore it down. I turned and unlocked my door and made my way to the couch.
It seemed fitting to end things where it all started. I reached into my shorts pocket and pulled out the brand new razor blade I bought on my way home. I moved the razor to my wrist, clenched my teeth and sliced it deep.
I dropped the razor in shock, I had actually done it. My chest heaved as I watched the blood pour out of my wrist. My head grew light and I felt the little strength sap out of me.I should have done this ages ago. I was a poison, an accident waiting to happen. Nothing good came out of me. Nothing good happened to people who cared about me.I needed to go. I needed to stop hurting people.
For the first time since their deaths I cried. I picked the razor and pressed it deeper, slicing deeper in my wrists. I didn’t know when I dropped the blade. I rested my head on the couch as dark spots clouded my vision. I closed my eyes and allowed the darkness overwhelm me.
Everywhere was white. That wasn't possible. I couldn't be in heaven. Hell was where people like me went. I heard voices and closed my eyes. When I woke up again, I realised the white I saw was from the hospital walls. I was in a hospital bed. I glanced at my wrist. It was tightly bandaged. My mother was in the room. She was asleep a rosary bead clutched tightly in her hand. As if sensing my eyes on her, she woke up.
"Doyele. Ah! Thank you Jesus! Doctor! Doctor! He has woken up."
I shut my eyes. My father was right, I was a failure. I couldn't even kill myself properly.
I got the story from my mother, she had followed me home. She said there was something in the hug that wasn't right. She had found me bleeding on the couch. She and her driver had taken me to the hospital. I had been in a coma for three days.
My mother had spent every day by my side. I couldn't face her; all I had done was bring this woman pain. I couldn't hurt another person who loved me. I told the doctor I needed rest and asked for everyone to leave.
When I woke up that evening, I was thankfully alone. I looked at the white bandage wrapped around my wrist and sighed. It was just a reminder of my failure.
I kissed my teeth loudly.
"Good you're awake." I nearly sat up in shock.
My father's voice came from a corner of the room. My heart pounded as he walked towards me. Had it taken my failed suicide attempt for my father to finally acknowledge my existence? He stood in front of me and gave me the usual glance and the hope died out as quickly as it came.
He sighed. "I know I'm not a perfect man. But I don't know what I have done. Either in this life or another one that I was burdened with a son like you."
His words cut deeper than usual. Maybe it was because I was already weak. Tears gushed out of my eyes and I couldn't stop them.
"I told you not to embarrass me and the family. Now look at you. Right at the beginning of my re-election campaign. Do you know how much I paid to keep this a secret?"
"Here I am again. Cleaning another one of your messes." He kissed his teeth. "O mashe oh." (What a pity in yoruba language)
"You should have let me die." I cried.
"You are still as ungrateful and stubborn as ever. My God!" He held his head in his hands."You are lucky it was your mother that found you. I would have walked out if it was me, I can assure you."
"Why are you here?" I wanted him gone.
"Letting you stay on your own was a mistake. Even with all my assistance, you managed to destroy your life. Look at you Doyele." He sighed as he lowered himself to the seat beside the bed.
When he spoke again his voice was low. "I don't know whatever happened with your friends that put you in this state. I can only assume that as the poison that you are, you found a way to destroy their lives."
"Good for you. I don't need to know the details. But anything that will affect my re-election will stay buried with you forever. Is that clear?"
Something landed on my lap. It seemed like a flyer.
"That's where you'll be going. Your mother said you should go there. Another opportunity for you to waste my hard earned money."
"It's a kind of rehab. For people who have the same madness you do. I have let you run loose for too long. Your visa and passport are already prepared. Once the doctor says it’s fine, you are leaving this country."
He stood up. "One day you will be grateful for all I have done for you. And be sorry for how much you disappoint me. Till then, I don't want to set my eyes on you."
He stood up and left me with tears running down my face. I cried for my mother and all the pain I put her through. I cried for Nenye. For Chudi. I cried for myself, for the life I never wanted but was always pushed back to me. I cried till I was weak and I had to close my eyes.
Then the nightmares returned.
