Taking a deep breath of fresh air, I look up at the sky and admire the obscene objects constantly shapeshifting. Is that a cowboy hat or a warped pizza? It doesn’t really matter, it was just a fleeting thought to fill the twenty minutes of time I was given outside.
“Hey! Look at me!” Ellie yells from the top of the hill.
I glance over to see her in a coffin pose rolling down at record breaking speed. Breaking out in a wide smile, I quickly found myself following suit. Before we knew it, we’re both sprinting up the tiny hill to roll down once more. One step in front of the other, my legs feel the intensity of the mountain in front of me, but my adrenaline is what gets me to the top.
“Last one down is a rotten egg!”
“Hey! That’s not fair, you‘re already ahead of me!”
She beats me to the top, but makes sure to wait so we roll down together. CRASH! My body groans as it comes into contact with a hard surface. Silence ensues as I slowly peek over to see what I crashed into. My eyes light up and I burst into laughter as I should’ve been asking who I crashed into. Ellie peaks over my shoulder to check on my head. Once she’s confirmed herself that we are both okay, she grabs my hand pulling me up the hill for another round.
“Time for dinner girls!”
“Mo-om can we just go one more time?”
“One more time and then come in and wash up or the food will get cold.”
Ellie and I enter the house covered in dirt, my mother gives us a look of amusement and shakes her head while placing bowls in front of us.
“Kraft Dinner!?” We both squeal with excitement.
Oh to be a kid again. When did we get so old? When did the short days I spent running around with my best friend turn into long gloomy days that never ended? Living true to the saying ignorance is bliss, I grew up with my face stuffed in books, running around aimlessly without a care in the world. Life was full of instant gratification tasks and I never had to look more than a week ahead.
Mid-twenties have been a total gong show. I'm in school for a degree I don’t even think will secure me a job. It’s 3am and I’m walking home from the club to avoid all of the deadlines I’ll be bombarded with when I return. School is no longer fun, it’s work. Nothing comes easy anymore and I have to work my ass off for mediocre results.
I walk a little slower to reflect on the events that happened earlier in the evening. A promising night started with a pregame at Stacy’s, where everyone was eagerly discussing their game plan. One night stands, drugs, or just a night out in lively downtown with friends.
As the night went on fleeting touches turned into missed opportunities. Something about this night in particular had people desperately trying to fill the void in their hearts, you could see it in the way people moved. Clawing at those nearby, craving touch and connection but it was nowhere to be found.
As if our fun night out turned into the only time people have to prove themselves, people in the club start doing grand gestures. Wanting to show that they are no lesser than their peers, eager for a chance to show their worth and why others would want to hang out with them. It turns into a flex game of how much money and fame can be shown off in one evening.
Quickly the evening turned into a drunken mess. Stacy was telling a random person her entire life story, while Fiona was breaking up with her boyfriend over the phone. Soon after, Stacy got into a fight. Turns out the person she was talking to had a partner and who wasn’t happy about the time Stacy was taking away from them being together. Amidst all the hands being thrown I managed to grab Stacy and Fiona and run out the club.
I wince in pain, all the adrenaline has finally died off and turns out I didn’t escape the mess unscathed. My hand goes to my forehead and I feel an emerging bump on my forehead. Just great. I know this will look great for my presentation on Monday.
My body creaks as I walk the last couple of blocks in the peaceful darkness and I let my mind wander. Alone with my thoughts, I’m left to wonder if I’m living my life correctly? A bad night out ending with an eyesore might do that to you.
“If you were living your life the right way from the get go would you be so miserable after a night out?” My mother chirps up from the back of my head.
Maybe she’s right. Perhaps it’s the way I live my life. I should have enrolled in a useful degree and done more purposeful things with my life. My lack of ability to look ahead and plan accordingly has once again failed me. As more of an instant gratification girl, a night out with friends sounded much more rewarding than an evening spent inside planning my future.
But why am I so obsessed with living my life correctly? Why can I no longer enjoy the process and embrace living spontaneously. Why does living as an adult leave me so stressed and when can I go back to the stress-free life of a child?
To be a kid again. Was it that much better or am I viewing a time I can no longer go back to through heart lens glasses? If I think about it, much of my time in school was training me for when I get older, when I interacted with adults they always asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. So why are we forced to grow up so quickly? What is the appeal, what makes living as an adult so great? Do I not understand because I haven’t found my path in life or is it because I am simply not at the level of maturity to understand?
I sigh as my house comes into view. Suddenly the exhaustion hits me like a truck and I’m focusing all my efforts on getting to that bed. Leaving my never ending list of to do’s for the morning, my only wish is that my hangover won’t be unbearable in the morning.