Both women sat staring at each other. The cold silence soon becoming uneasy as Sol fiddled with her fingers, darting her gaze to avoid eye contact.
But why was she so nervous, she was just a mother who wanted to see her child.
To run her hands through his curly hair like she did when he was a baby.
His cute little eyes staring right back at her with nothing but perfect wonder.
Hannah shifted in her seat, she sat up straight. Clutching a couch pillow with tense fingers that appeared to be doing damage.
Perhaps the woman was just as uncomfortable as she was, Sol considered.
She was invading her home after all . Like an interloper, she had showed up from nowhere.
In viewing the situation that way, from Hannah's perspective, she found more clarity.
A car halting outside in the driveway got both women's attention.
Then was the sound of the front door opening.
She took in his appearance, full beards now covered where there had been stubbles and he was bald. A little more tan than she remembered but he was basically the same. If only in built.
It had been years, Sol was not expecting Victor to show up.
When they had spoken over the phone, he'd told her he would be busy all week. But his wife would be home and she could see the boy when he was back from school.
"Good afternoon!, He greeted to no one in particular.
"Welcome honey", Hannah responded as he landed a kiss on her cheeks.
In their few years of marriage, Sol recalled Victor's rituals of affection. A kiss at the back of her hand or temple each time he came home.
"I'll give you two some time", Hannah announced as she stood up, leaving ex husband and wife alone Sol didn't think this was necessary but she did not object.
"Thought you were busy", Sol commented as he lingered over her, refusing to sit.
It was his stance when he braced for a fight.
"It's my house, I can come anytime I want". Victor threw back.
"Why! Why are you here now?" She wanted the answer out of him, since she suspected his intent to discourage her from seeing their son.
He did not trust her, that much had been obvious when she reached out to him.
But in that, she could hardly blame him. Even now she didn't trust herself either.
She'd left him with a child barely a year old. What kind of mother did that to her son?.
Wake up one morning and decide she was done. Like her life had been a deal gone bad and she was cutting her losses.
Her obviously, she was exactly that kind of mother.
She hadn't been able to sleep, all night she'd been restless as if a storm welled up inside her.
Her stomach had been enormous, she was literally nesting a boulder. One that seemed to have shaken loose and was ready to roll down the hill.
The OBGYN had said so, that babies were boulders which couldn't be stopped once it was time. Sol woke her husband at first light.
They had to get to the hospital immediately. He grabbed the go bag from the closet and helped her to the car.
She tried to keep her breathing steady. Inhale, exhale, inhale and exhale.
She kept up the exercise though it was difficult to maintain a calm pace. The scary movie was playing in her head.
"Everything will be fine, everything will be fine", she mumbled to herself fighting the intrusive thoughts.
---That the baby could be breeched, or in distress, that she was preeclamptic and things would be complicated---
To quiet these fears she'd made plans right from the beginning. At the first signs of labour she would go to the hospital to get an epidural. That way the pain would be managed and so will her nerves.
This was the plan with the OB doc.
It was a quick ride to St. Thomas general. In no time they were in the emergency room getting checked in.
The nurse rolled her on a wheelchair into a private room. Another would be by shortly to fix the epidural catheter she informed.
Sol writhed in agony, a giant hand was kneading her insides and she could feel herself going numb with each contraction.
In intervals, they came full force.The epidural was taking too long. Victor was at her side trying to massage her lower back, in order to soothe the pain but she pushed him away.
"Go and get the nurse!" She ordered instead.
After twenty long hours of being drenched in sweat, Sol gave birth to her baby.
It had been five years now, and seeing him brought back those memories in waves.
It wasn't his fault that the experience had been too much for her to handle. She had tried to be there form them hadn't she?
She stuck around for a whole year, nurturing and nursing.
"How long do you plan on sticking around this time?", He finally asked.
"It makes no sense for you to just drop by after all these time. Not if you won't be sticking around". Victor continued.
She wished he wouldn't judge her so harshly, that he would understand she had been helpless to her maternal flaws.
The therapist have been helpful. Twice every week since she had left her son she went.
Some days she sat on the blue sofa and had no words to utter. Such days when it was too overwhelming there were no words to describe her turmoil.
So the sylph-like lady, seated before her would do the talking. Sol was fine just listening as the doctor spoke.
She told her that many women in the world nursed feelings similar to hers and she had nothing to be ashamed of.
That though it wasn't talked about as often as it should be, such anxieties concerning motherhood were very real.
Sometimes as Sol listened, her mind would drift away to when she herself was just a girl.
How she dreamed her life would be and the actual reality it was.
