How does Hockey bring people together- you may, or more likely, may not be asking yourself. Well this exploration into the thing I like to call “hyperfocus”, we can explore the steps I took to ensure hockey brought my friends together. Hi, I am Kelson. My ex-wife is my ghostwriter, so just ignore her lurking here. I know it sounds weird, why would hockey bring anyone together? Isn’t it just fighting? And isn’t it like kinda… not inclusive? Well that is where you are (apparently) wrong. Hockey is so much more than that, and more. Hockey on its own is fun because you get your friends together to watch a match where they fight, and for days you can regale the punches thrown and nacho cheese you all got to enjoy. Well, why stop there? Why not extend this excitement to the world that is (checks notes are you serious, ok fine I’ll write it) Sportsing Video Games!! Thrill and chill, but not in a literal way, with your best buds! Grow team spirit by fighting for the same cause, or tear the party apart, maybe sometimes permanently, and compete against each other. The fun never ceases, even if you wanted it to. With streaming the way it is you can even play hockey with your buds while you watch real hockey and somehow don’t get confused (don’t ask me, I am not that kind of lesbian). Please read on to see how to best integrate this everlasting (4 months and counting!) joy into you and your loved ones life.
The friends and the company you keep is what we have to look at first, and usually harshly judge. The video game hockey method always works to bring people together as long as everyone you know is either; 1. Into hockey already, 2. Can be convinced to be into hockey, or, 3. Is just looking for a meaningful connection in a meaningless world. So if your friend group consists of the last 3 options, that is so great, you are ready to begin super bonding (apparently not to be confused with super boning, that's a me b)! If not, what are they your friends for anyway? Drop them off somewhere else, and look for people who fit into the first 3 types. When dumping friends, remember that ultimatums work extremely well, especially if you want to give them one more chance to keep the tantalizing friendship alive.
Once you have your circle of friends circled, ask them if they want to play a hockey sporting video game. They will obviously want to, and then the next step is to make sure they all have a Playstation (number five). If they don’t already have one, you can do any of the following, except number 7; 1. Buy them one, the best option as long as you have some money to devote to this righteous cause 2. Guilt them, hey it’s going to wear them down eventually, 3. What do you mean they didn’t already go out and buy one? I am pretty sure we are done here. 7. Xbox can work, I guess, if you are desperate. Just for the love of the Gods, please ensure they get a functioning microphone or else all you are going to hear is your bud Sam crunching on chips because he can’t eat his snacks prior to gametime, for christ's sake.
After the game and machine are procured, you are probably good to go. Obviously get the NHL (National Hockey League) game, but feel free to also try out games such as but not limited to; read dead redemption and the Diablo game. Just make sure there is a set time when all your gender neutral bois can get together for hockey fun! Oh and you all will need an internet connection. There is also apparently a pro Hockey team for those that identify as not a man. It only took until 2023 to expand the excitement for all genders, but thankfully we have it now, so get all the fun colorful controllers and log in. Congratulations bois, let us pat ourselves on the back for that w.
If you do run into any trouble with the above guidance, please take stock of that friendship and decide if it is really worth it in the long haul, or maybe they would just want to play a different game. The main problem you may have is that there could be an idea floating around that playing a Hockey Sportsing Game is boring, and you couldn’t be more wrong. It’s remarkably more fun than it looks at first glance. Another possible issue is living in a place that sucks the soul out of your body, such as the United States. The answer? Maybe try antidepressants, then convince your friends to play and keep the happy feelings rolling, or gliding, and never ever think internally about anything but hockey and maybe we can get through any dark period, and please keep those more vulnerable safe in your friend group while kicking their ass thoroughly on the pretend ice.
In conclusion, hockey is fun for everyone except maybe alpha males, but since no one is friends with those dudes, that should not be a problem. Looking to the future, perhaps hockey can even save America if we get the right “slapshot”(I am not going to ask, and you can’t make me). If we build enough communities around hockey, maybe we can eliminate the red states war that is sitting on blue states doorsteps. True Hockey bois must know how to do some damage with that little black round thing. And, now that people without man parts can have fun with it, there is no reason to not have culturally diverse communities that hold a number of the same values including Hockey Sportsing Games. And reach out to your lesbian ghost writers because they are not doing ok. Just do it over the video game hockey you are forcing encouraging them to participate in. Maybe also some pizza.
