It has taken me some time to realise we all have a kid inside of us. That kid wants to feel safe, as well as desires to be loved and cared for. Unfortunately, I have entered my adulthood not paying attention to that kid - I thought if I kept ignoring, no one would notice my fears, including myself. Of course then the inevitable happened, Covid came and forced all of us to just STOP.

I can’t sugarcoat it, Covid has been horrible especially when I was quarantining alone far away from my family. However, I am not here to talk about how bad the Covid was, I think we all know it already. I want to talk about the butterfly effect it created on me.

Phase 1 - Happy to be resting, enjoying the feeling of ditching school.

Phase 2 - Getting bored & making homemade pizza (trying)

Phase 3 - Spending some time with myself, getting hyped up about the future and planning exciting things.

Phase 4 - Spending too much time with myself & starting to see my fears

Phase 5 - Trying to escape from myself but there was nowhere I could go - then leads to a very very low point.

Very unpopular opinion, but I think I am lucky that life forced me to take a look at myself. Don’t get me wrong - it was one of the hardest things I had to do, but I deep down knew that it was for my own benefit. I had to learn a lot about anxiety & myself and how it is impacting me.

In early stages, I saw anxiety as an enemy, it was sabotaging me and my life. I couldn’t figure out why my brain would betray me like that. I always thought the voice in my head was telling the truth(!?) growing up and it took a long while till I accepted it wasn’t. To be honest, I was really disappointed in myself.

Afterwards, I started to think as if my brain is a computer - it is actually just processing data with the inputs that it has. We used to write codes in university to optimise solutions. Imagine putting some dots randomly in X-Y-Z axis and connecting them, then the program is going through all the areas within those dots (constraints) and trying to find the optimal result (whatever your objective was). Then I realised, that was what my brain a.k.a my computer was trying to do. It was just trying to protect me with computing every experience I had. It says “if you feel stressed one day in a car, don’t get on a car ever again and it will fix it” and it goes on with new experiences. As you can see, it is impossible to live according to these inputs but the beloved brain definitely tries.

Discovering my brain and how it works was a game changer. Then it is all about finding the little kid inside of me and actually trying to listen instead of ignoring. Kids are really interesting, I was underestimating my kid self’s fears because they sounded ridiculous to my adult self. It doesn’t matter what it is, sometimes all we want is someone to see us & make us feel safe. Imagine the times when kids think there is a monster under the bed, parents need to tell the kids that everything is going to be okay and there is no monster. As an adult, I realised I had to say that to my 8 year old self. It doesn’t happen overnight, but understanding this was half of the job.

I’d like to stress that these were my experiences and everyone would have their own point of view. I also had a lot of help along the way - I am definitely not an expert, but I’d like to write about them!

  • People - very important! It got a bit lonely when I was in my own head. I needed people to get me out of there but very patiently. I figured it was important to get me time and rest but it needs to balance with socialising. Connecting with other people gives incredible perspectives. I heard someone say a couple days ago that resonated with me “I feel richer everytime I listen to people, even though I don’t experience their stories first hand - it extends my horizons.”
  • Journaling - it was all rambling at first! I started practising the book “the Artist’s way”. 3 months of writing every morning was very intimidating at first but then this was the most crucial step for understanding my brain.
  • Reading - there are amazing books to discover. What I like abouts books is that they are mostly open to interpretation, you can take away whatever you’d want! My favourite one within my self discovery journey was “Untethered Soul”. It gives a good perspective about the voice in our heads.
  • Walking - Since we humans are also animals, we need to be out and about! Talking walks in nature, observing things, tiring ourselves out… It feels very simple but simple things work the best.
  • Talking to myself like I am talking to my best friend. I realised I was quite harsh on myself. If I am genuinely telling my best friend “it is okay, everyone makes mistakes and it doesn't define you” then why is it so hard to tell ourselves?

It is fascinating how going back to the basics help. “Being in the moment” sounds easy to say; but, it took a while practicing for me. It is so fascinating how our computers work. At the end, this was all just a cry for help. My body, my mind, my inner child had been screaming to make some changes. When I neglected to listen, they made me listen. To be honest, I am grateful for them for screaming since they are actually helping me live an authentic life at the end.

Thanks very much for reading my journey! Whatever happens in life, it is so important to know that we are not alone. I am proud to share my experiences & listen to other people’s perspectives. Please feel free to reach out if you need an ear to listen!