It was a few minutes after nine pm. My ears were blessed with a cacophony of noise, the sound of generators mixed with blaring car horns, motorists and pedestrians arguing and cursing each other. That was what I got for living in an apartment built close to the main road. I couldn’t explain, but I hated it and loved it at the same time.
I was on the sofa, working on my laptop, making some final touches to the design I had to submit that night. Painting was my baby, but web design and graphics took care of rent, fuel, alcohol, weed and my other necessities and vices. The rest I scrounged off my friends and parents.
A loud knock startled me, making me spill a bit of my drink. I cursed. The knocking continued. I got off the couch, into the kitchen, and opened the door. Why the entrance to my house came through my kitchen, I didn’t know. With the price I was paying for rent, I wasn’t complaining. Chudi stood there, his beefy arms folded, lips pressed thinly. I stood staring and didn’t register him speaking till he raised his voice.
"It’s like your mind is somewhere else this night." He marched past me into the house. I bolted the door and followed.
"What do you want?"
At first I loved how comfortable he was in my house, how his presence always made me feel like the visitor. Now I loathed it, the way the air in the house was never enough for two of us. I wanted him gone.
He held up his left hand, which had his phone charger. I sat back on the couch and watched him bend over in his shorts, plugging his charger and phone into the extension. When he was done, he went straight to the kitchen. I heard my fridge open and the banging of pots. He returned scowling.
"There's nothing to eat in your house. Nawa for you."
"Ignore him." I told myself. "Focus on your work."
He kissed his teeth, and I heard the door bang. I let out the breath I had been holding since he entered.
A few minutes later, the door reopened and I could hear him puttering around the kitchen muttering softly. I was shutting down Adobe when a steaming bowl of noodles slammed down on the wooden stool my legs were resting on. I glared at him and his brown eyes met my gaze, defiant. He switched on the television and then sat down beside me. A popular Afrobeats music video blared onscreen.
"Reduce that thing."
"What?" He turned to me with his mouth full.
"I said you should reduce that thing. And swallow what's in your mouth haba." I muttered.
He made a show of turning up the volume. I reached for the remote, but he moved faster.
"Come and get it." He drawled. Chudi was an avid gym rat and had over 10kg on me. No way I could get the remote from him.
I got up wearily. "Shut the door when you’re leaving. I'm going in."
"If you don't eat now, the food will get cold and you won't want to eat again." He warned. Then softly, "Sit down. You know why I'm here."
I sighed, then sat down. I picked up the bowl and started shoving forkfuls down my throat. I didn't even realise how hungry I was.
"Have you eaten today?"
"None of your business." Was my prompt reply.
He shook his head while staring at the ceiling. Then he reduced the volume of the T.V and threw the remote on the centre table.
"You know I heard you and Nenye this evening."
My left hand tightened on the fork. "I saw you. Then you walked in five minutes later like nothing happened."
"What was I supposed to do? But guy," he laughed scornfully. "You try oh."
"But guy what?" My heart was beating fast.
He laughed again. "Chudi loves you. He's never cheated on you. All that rubbish you were spouting. Did you believe any of it? How did you even sit down there and spew all that bullshit right to her face?" He clapped mockingly. "Actor of the year."
"You love Nenye." I felt the wind rushing through my head.
"Really?" He retorted.
"You love Nenye." I repeated. "And you're going to marry her in three months. Get your shit together."
"Why didn't you think of that when you kissed me?" His voice was deceptively calm.
"You were supposed to push me away. Hit me. Shout." Not kiss me back like your life depended on it.
"And I didn't. And now look where we are." He said the last sentence like a song.
"You're not done eating."
I looked at my plate. There were still some noodles left. I speared a sliced sausage with my fork and wrapped it with noodles, then shoved it in my mouth.
"I don't think I can marry Nenye." He continued.
"We've gone over this, for God's sake. It was a one-time thing." My voice broke at the end. I hated how desperate I sounded.
"Maybe it was nothing to you." He held his head in his hands. "But it was something, Doye. It was something to me. And ever since then I don't know. It's like I'm seeing myself differently."
"Chudi, you're not gay because you kissed a guy." I retorted. "Girls do it all the time, it doesn't mean shit."
I sighed, "Look, I was drunk and miserable and you were available. Ce fini. I would have kissed anybody that night, it didn't mean shit."
"You're in love with Nenye. You guys have something beautiful. You've been together for four years. Don't let anything spoil what you've got man."
"So you want to keep pretending it didn't happen? That it was nothing?"
"Yes and yes."
"I'm happy for you that it's so convenient for you to kiss anyone without caring. But it's not the same for me." He reached out and held my shoulder. I stiffened under his touch.
"That night ... it wasn't nothing. It's all I can think about. I'm not saying I'm gay Doye. I don't even know what I am. But I can't marry Nenye without telling her about this."
"Did you even wonder why I kissed you back?" He laughed again.
"I ... I mean I thought I just liked you. As my guy. But man, I don't know any more Doye. And I can't marry Nenye feeling like this."
"I've actually been a shitty boyfriend lately. I was hoping she didn't pick on it. I guess I'm not as good as acting as you are." He smirked.
My traitorous heart dared to soar then sunk abruptly. Elation and loathing swirled round my chest. Of all the men in Lagos, my stupid heart decided to fall for the one dating my best friend.
I wanted him, right from the moment Nenye introduced us. I wanted him to want me. I tried to discourage Nenye from seeing him. I lied to myself I was overprotective of Nenye. Deep down I knew the truth. Maybe if Nenye knew my true feelings for him, she won't have begged me to talk to my landlord about renting out the vacant apartment to him. Maybe if I were strong enough, I would have refused. Maybe if he hadn't charmed the hell out of Oga Matthew, (oga is a term used to address someone in charge, can be used as a sign of respect for an older or senior person) he won't have given him the apartment. Maybe if we didn't become neighbours he won't have grown on me.
I really tried my best to hate him. It didn't work. Those honey brown eyes won me over. His zeal for life, the way he found joy in every mundane thing. He was always the life of the party, he dragged Nenye and I out for every event he went to. He never got in the way of Nenye and I's friendship which was a major green flag, all her other partners had problems with me, even after finding out I was gay.
The best part was the way he loved Nenye. The way he never made comments about her weight. The way he encouraged her, defended her. I saw my friend smile more, be confident to dress up. Watched her blossom in the relationship, start loving herself again. I promised myself I would never get in the way of that. I tried to avoid him. It didn’t work. He was always coming over to cook, plug his phone when my generator was on. He was a senior designer in a tech firm and always sent freelance gigs my way. We were huge anime freaks and even liked the same music.
I told myself I could do it. He and Nenye were relocating to Canada after the wedding. I had held myself for the three years they dated, what was three more months? I dated other men, it did not matter if I imagined him holding me when their arms were around me, I tried my best to move on.
If I thought about it critically, it was all Suleiman’s fault. Our relationship had been going fine for two months till last month when he ended things without notice. I had read and reread his pitiful excuse of a break-up text and decided getting shit-faced drunk was the only solution. If only I were sober, I would have remembered the COD match Chudi and I had fixed for that evening.
Maybe if he hadn’t been so kind, listening to my pitiful complaints, cursing Suleiman and trying to make me laugh, I wouldn’t have reached for him and kissed him. The gravity of my actions hit me immediately. I waited for him to push me away and scream at me. Instead his hands reached out, grabbed my head, his lips pressed together against mine. My hands wandered, his back, his face, his thighs. Common sense finally dawned on him and he pushed me off. We stared at each other wide-eyed, panting through swollen lips, realising the implications of what we just did. Then he got up and left.
He was absent for two weeks and when he came back we avoided each other like one of us had the Corona virus. This afternoon with Nenye was the first time since the incident we were in the same space.
I sighed. "We have to do the right thing Chudi."
"Exactly. And that involves telling Nenye what we did."
"NO!" I glared at him. He glared back.
"Fine. Be unreasonable. I'm going to tell Nenye I think I'm gay."
"What is WRONG with YOU? Why would you do that?"
"It's going to come out sooner or later. I can't live with myself if I go through with this level of deceit. I don't know how you do it but I CAN'T." His voice rose at the end.
"Don't worry. I'll leave you out of the discussion." He scoffed.
"Thank you."
He laughed mockingly. "I'm glad I discovered this side of you. This self-centered bastard who can kiss anybody without meaning it and only gives a shit about himself."
I had no response so I kept quiet. I turned my attention back to the television.
"Doye." His voice was urgent. I turned. "Was it really nothing?"
He was leaning towards me, his hand caressing my thigh. My mouth became dry. He was so close. So close, I could see the brown specks in his eyes. His plump pink lips so close to mine. My heart raced, my palms got sweaty. I breathed and leaned in. As soon as his lips touched mine, he withdrew. I blinked.
He was standing up, looking at me. Smugness, disgust, and lust ran in his eyes.I tried to stay calm while he collected his charger and phone. Rubbed my sweaty palms on my shorts and breathed out. Tried not to gawk at his thighs as he bent over in his shorts. Fought the urge to grab him when he walked past me.
"Chudi wait." I called.
"Good night Doye." was his reply.
