The thing about grief is that it creeps up on you when you least expect it. Like a sponge, it soaks up every other emotion, and leaves the person numb and empty. Nothing can survive it's onslaught. Nothing is spared, not even anger or pain. It just leaves behind a hollow space.
They found her body in a sack bag near the dumpster at Obalende Market. They did not even do her the dignity of a peaceful death. They left her in the trash.
Mummy Timi had not said a word since we got here. Mummy rubbed her back, her eyes dull and unfocused. Theodora's aunties surrounded their sister. Isaac and Gabriel sat on the floor. In the dining room, Timi barked into a phone pacing the floor.
Suddenly, Mummy Timi jerked up. The scream that left her throat pierced the air. She held her hands to her head.
"They took her. They took my baby!" She fell back on Mummy crying.
"Mummy Timi sorry. It's okay."
"Take it easy. Calm down."
"I should calm down. I SHOULD CALM DOWN! When they have taken my daughter."
"NO! NO! NO!" She jumped up."I want my daughter back. I want my daughter back in my house. I want my daughter to come home."
The women tried to restrain her but she pushed them off.
"Can any of you do that? Can you bring my daughter back? Hmm?"
"No you can't. SO DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. DON'T TELL ME HOW TO ACT! LEAVE ME!"
"Mummy please." Timi moved closer to her, "Please take it easy."
She shook her head and walked to the front door. "For the past one month, I've been waiting at this door everyday for her to come back. I've prayed. I've fasted. I've begged God." Her voice broke at the end.
"Theodora please come back to me. Mummy loves you. Please. Please. Please ..." She cut off weeping.
Wordlessly, Timi and Gabriel placed her arms around their shoulders and carried her away.
The news of Theodora's death was even more widespread than her kidnapping. It hurt me how someone so full of life was reduced to a statistic. On television, she was breaking news. A storyline. A hashtag. A winning point in a social media argument. On radio, a topic for discussion. Death had stripped her of all her dignity and privacy.
I didn't go to school for the rest of the week. I switched my phone off, I didn't want to hear sympathies I did not deserve. I did not want to hear how terrible her death was. I wanted her to come back.
Yet I listened to everything. I switched my phone back on and scoured social media. I searched her name. Read through the comments, including the ones blaming her for her death. I looked at pictures I took and watched strangers who did not know my Theo pronounce judgement on her.
On Saturday after reading a particularly offensive comment on Twitter, I opened the bandages Matilda neatly tied Friday night. The cuts were almost healed. I poked at them till they bled. Shivered as the pain hit me. It was better than nothing, I needed to feel. Needed to hurt and be punished for what I did.
Instead I got symphathy. From teachers who understood why I was missing school. From the aunties and relations who called Mummy to talk to me. From Mummy. Even from Mummy Timi who tried to comfort me when I broke down in her house.
The nights were the worst. After struggling to stay awake, I would fall asleep fueled by exhaustion. She appeared in my dreams, we were fighting, clawing at each other. Her nails sharp as eagle's talons scratched at my skin, drawing blood, gouging out my eyes, scratching my neck.
I woke up holding my neck, gasping for breath. Bent into myself shaking. Lit one from the stash Theodora gave me and smoked till morning.
"It's all my fault. It's all my fault. I'm so sorry Theo. It's all my fault."
Mummy wasn't faring better than me. Theodora's death had reopened wounds that never healed properly. Aunty Goodness did her best to make sure we and Theodora's family didn't starve, never complaining when we refused her food.
We did not go to church on Sunday. I was staring blankly into the air that afternoon when she came to my room.
"Your mid-term test starts tomorrow."I shrugged and continued looking into thin air.
"I understand how you feel Kelechi. You know I do. But you have to read."
I wanted to tell her that she didn't understand how I felt. That if she knew the monster she had raised she would be running from me, not comforting me. I nodded instead.
She arranged the books in front of me. "Even if you're just looking at them. Let something enter your brain."
The words on my Accounting note blurred into each other, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't make sense of anything.
When Mummy came to check on me, she found my notes on the floor, me laying in bed. Wordlessly, she picked the note from the floor and opened it, sat on the floor close to my bed and starting reading aloud. Then she did the same for all the notes, reading each one twice.
She drove me to school on Monday. I appreciated that as I wasn't ready to field intrusive questions from my bus members. She parked right in front of my class block, with my head down I ran up the stairs.Tami was in class. She ran to me as I entered and hugged me.
"Oh my gosh! It's horrible. God. I don't even know what to say." She cried.
Not too gently, I removed her arms from me and went to my seat, leaving her staring behind me.
During assembly we observed a minute of silence for Theodora. Then we moved on straight to other announcements. It annoyed me. Theodora was dead. Dead. In a mortuary. Never coming back and all she got was a minute of silence from a place where she had been queen bee.
I don't remember what I wrote in my tests. I couldn't even see the questions clearly so I just scribbled whatever I knew about the subjects and submitted.I spent break in the class, trying and failing to do revision for the next paper.
"Senior Kelechi." I looked up, a junior student was at the door.
"Sister MaryAnne sent me to call you."
Tami and Jessica were waiting inside the administrative block. Theodora's disappearance had revealed to us that we really had nothing in common and we had begun drifting apart. Her death was the final nail in the coffin.
"Kelly how've you been?" Jessica asked softly.
"I've seen better days. What about you? Still happy?" I watched the way her face changed in delight. If I couldn't let go of the burning anger within me, others had to feel it too.
"You can go in now." Miss Ibekwe said.
Sister Mary Anne sat at her desk. We greeted her and she motioned for us to sit down. She took her glasses off and massaged her temples. Then she blinked and wore them back.
"I'm sure you all have an idea why you're here."
"Theodora's death was a very sad disturbing affair. It's a terrible world we live in." She sighed.
"I understand the three of you were closest to her. And it can't imagine how greatly her passing would impact you all. My office is open. Ms. Maureen, the guidance counselor is also there for you. Its not mandatory of course. But it's highly advised."
She continued."I was hoping we could do something to honour her. Maybe a candlelight procession. A talk. I wondered if you would like to get involved."
"That sounds lovely Sister." Jessica smiled. I glared at her, irritated. The sombre conversation we were having wasn't enough to stop her from sucking up to Sister right in our presence.
After some more words of encouragement, she dismissed us. Once outside her office, we walked off in three different paths.
School closed early because of the tests. I was waiting for mummy at the gazebo with the other students waiting for their parents. To discourage any conversation, I opened up History textbook and pretended to read.
It must not have worked because Alex walked up to me and sat besides me.
"Hey."
"I'm sorry about what happened." She said.
"You don't have to pretend. You both hated each other."
"I never hated her. She just picked on me for no good reason."
She sighed. "Obviously it doesn't matter now. Doesn't mean I wanted her gone."
"I've heard you."She sighed.
"We have a match tomorrow against Ikoyi Girls."
I raised my bandaged arm, "Do you really think I give a fuck about the match right now?"
"I know you don't but, ..."
"Alex please just leave. Thank you." I turned back to my book. Few minutes later I heard her walking away.
Mummy is singing along to a Mariah Carey CD when I get in. I switched the sound off and ignored her questioning glance, focused on the window outside the car. When we got home I got out of the car without a word and marched to my room.
Later that evening, Mummy walked in with a tray of food she dumped unceremoniously on the bed.
"What subjects do you have tomorrow?"
"English and History."
She rummaged through my table till she found the notes and sat on the chair, facing me.
"Eat something. Even if it's small."
I forced down some fork fulls of boiled potatoes with egg sauce. The sauce contained sausage and meat. On a normal day I would have enjoyed it, but now it made me feel sick.
"I understand that you're very upset by what happened. It is a terrible thing, but you have to try not to push your feelings unto others."
"Your relationship with Theodora is special, but she wasn't that way with everyone. People grieve differently."
"You have to give others grace, the same way you're given grace."
"Do you want to say something? You keep a lot inside and it worries me. You need to find an outlet for your emotions. A healthy one."
"If you keep something inside it will choke you. You need to open up to someone."
When I remained quiet she sighed. "I'm here for you. Whenever you're ready."
"How was school today?"
"It was okay. Was expecting to have people crowding me, asking about Theodora. Surprisingly it didn't happen." Having my mother around more often has made me realise how badly I needed her. If talking about school would keep her here, fine and good.
"I may have told your teachers to talk to your classmates about that. I noticed you don't like it."
"Oh my gosh! Mummy why would you do that?" I gasped.
"Why not? Didn't it work?"
I imagined Mrs Daniels telling the class not to ask me about Theodora and winced. The though if it was painful to say the least.
"Don't do it again. Please."
She saluted. "Yes ma'am."
"Sister asked if we wanted to do something for Theo. Like a candle light procession or something."
"How thoughtful of her. And you guys say she's cold-hearted."
"Theodora is the only exception to her wickedness. Was."I looked at Mummy. "Will I have to start speaking about her in past tense now?"
"No dear."
I continued. "Candlelight processions are mostly in the night. That won't work."
"That's true. We're planning one here sef."
"How about dedicating a building to her?" The teasing glint in her eyes let's me know she's joking.
I smiled. "She would love that. Sister would never agree."
"Well think up something more attainable then. You're brainstorming with Tami and Jessica, right?"
"Right." I lied.
"Ok enough talk. Let's get into it." She opened my History note and started reading.
I tried my best to focus, but my mind wandered. I imagined opening up to mummy, explaining everything to her and how understanding she would be of the whole debacle.
"Kelechi focus. I didn't leave my work for you to not even pay attention to me."
"Sorry."
No. I couldn't tell her. Not yet. Let her keep loving me for the meantime. I would still tell her, but now was not the right time. Soon.
Mummy left when she was done reading and asking questions to be sure I understood her. As she closed the door, the small sliver of peace I had left with her.
After two hours of uneasy tossing, I lit my half-finished blunt and opened Spotify. I connected to my Airpods and settled for another sleepless night.
The song changed abruptly. A glance at my phone left my choking on air. I clutched chest and gasped loudly.
When my heaving ceased, I snatched my phone and looked at the screen to make sure I wasn't dreaming.
The phone rang again. It was the sane number. I picked immediately.
"Hello?" I gasped. The call ended.
"Shit! This cannot be for real." I called the number again, it rang out till it stopped.
I laughed bitterly. "Fuck this shit. I'm done."
I was telling mummy EVERYTHING! Right now. It couldn't wait till morning.
My phone chimed with the notification for a text message. The message stopped me in my tracks. I didn't know when I fell to the floor. The knot in my stomach tightened, I couldn't breathe.
I crawled to the window and clawed at the clasp. Once it opened, I heaved, greedily gulping oxygen.
"No. No. This can't be real." I moaned.
