I had boyfriends since kindergarten so I assumed I was straight

Or was it compulsory heterosexuality

It was assumed I was straight because there was no possibility for me to explore

I thought about girls sometimes but just as a joke right

Nothing real, nothing serious

I always knew I wanted to get married with a man in a church

Did I “always know” or it was just a decision based on society and family expectations that I internalized as mine?

My sexual exploration started with curiosity and desire for men

It also started with childhood sexual assault

Assaulted a second time later as a young woman

Healing sexual trauma and exploring queerness were related because they started at the same time

One could not have been possible without the other.

I was unhappy and frustrated with my sex life and so I decided to take responsibility and action

My friends would tell “its not you it's just men, you haven't found the right partner yet”

I slept with half of Amsterdam's male population and so statistically it must be me.

I started dating women following that initial curiosity and desire,

If I enjoyed sex with women it meant that I was ok after all

I was looking for answers

I was met with resistance and criticism from my queer friends and the community

I listened

But they only added questions to my mountain of questions

They said :

“Determining your choice to explore because women seem like a safer choice is not a healthy mindset to start with”

“Wanting to date women just because dating and sex with men is bad is not really queerness”

Does that mean that there are good and bad reasons to explore one's queerness and sexuality?

Does the initial motivation matter?

Aren't all reasons just as valid because we are all different people with unique life experiences?

Isn't curiosity a good enough reason ?

And so I explored my sexuality with women but my sense of inadequacy was still there

perhaps amplified

“If you are queer or if you like girls you just know it's not something you have to intellectualize“

“Don't call yourself bicurious, we don't like it because it just means you're confused and wasting people time”

“ Don't say you're exploring your sexuality because it sounds vague”

I was proud of myself for being brave and vulnerable

Yet it seemed I was doing it all wrong

When I get asked on a queer date “So what are you, how do you identify”

I would say

“I don't really care about labels, I 'm interested in people and connection regardless of gender ”

And there is truth in that

Do I really not care or is it just easier to avoid answering?

Is there Queer court of justice that can help me, approve me or reject me?

I am looking for validation but that's not how self acceptance work

I like the term queer, it feels inclusive

So am I queer?

My queer friends say exploring is queer enough.

But am I a queer if I don't have the need to come out ?

Am I queer enough if I never experienced any discrimination?

But we all have our traumas I guess.

Am I queer enough if its easier for me ?

Coming out of the closet is scary, maybe it's easier to stay in there.

Is there a timeline for queerness that I should follow? Is there a map with all the right steps?

I am afraid to and fall in love with a woman

I won't end up being married with a man in a church.

I thought I was deconstructed, but maybe that's just what I really want?

Actually I might be asexual

or on the asexuality spectrum

I've read that there is an intersection between sexual trauma and queerness, that it could lead to a sexual aversion towards the gender of the abuser

I cant enjoy sex and I'm not interested in sex because of my abuse or because I sleep with men?

I cant enjoy sex with men because my abusers were men or because I simply don't enjoy sex with men or because I simply don't enjoy sex?

Would I still have these questions if I slept with a different gender?

“What do you mean you prefer girls just because you were assaulted by a man? That's a not a genuine reason, attraction doesn't work that way”

Is it that offensive if being queer has always been obvious to some while it is not so obvious for others? Is one way or the other more valid?

How do I know if I really like sex with my history of sexual trauma

I guess I can never really know because it was fucked up since the beginning.

Do I do not enjoy sex because of my traumas, because I sleep with men or because I am asexual?

But am I asexual because I genuinely don't care about sex or because the trauma doesn't make me like sex?

Saying that my sexual trauma determines my sexual identity removes my agency

It's not fair to myself

There are so many unanswered questions

Why is it so important to know if I'm queer, straight or asexual? Can't I just enjoy people's company ?

Asking myself all these questions is

Bullshit

A distraction

But at least all these questions allow multiple answers

Other than the one that has been haunting me : I am broken,

I'm tired of trying so hard , but can I just give up?

I feel like I owe it to myself as a survivor to continue this journey of sexual healing, but I swear my life would be easier If sex was not an option anymore.

Canceling sex would cancel the trauma right?

I know that identities are complex and that sexuality is fluid and my trauma doesn't have to define me

I am exhausted

I want to get to the finish line and get

the answer

I want to get to the place where I can make sense of all this chaos