I had already died a couple of times...
I had already died a couple of times,
cut up my skin like fabric, shattered my crystal lungs, tied up my intestines
if my flesh had ever resembled a bursting with colours rug, I beat it with bleach
I danced on the ashes of my crushed bones to entertain the spectators
I handed them tools and liberty to hurt me like i was maria abramović
I turned my life into a theatre piece for others
and then cried myself to sleep after reading reviews
I was gifted with an extraordinary capacity of analysis
yet almost no strength.
My anxiety wipes out my personality...
my anxiety wipes out my personality.
it's a thick dirty wall of glass wrapping around me, not leaving a single loophole
it refracts my personality, twisting it into unrecognisable shapes
the sight from outside makes you uneasy, uncomfortable, something in you coils
the motion spectrum goes from scorn and mockery to pity,
with boredom serving as the perfect neutral grey
you hurry up to tear your gaze away to land on someone pleasant, light, and calm
and you can't hear my screams that bounce off the walls creating a cacophony of sounds that ricochet at me
but my anxiety is a familiar prison
it is an overbearing dragon meant to keep me safe
it holds me hostage telling me it is for my own sake
"the outside world is full of danger and you're so small and so so fragile,
it'll shatter you and i will not be able to undo the damage"
anxiety's a poisoned apple, a spindle of a long forgotten spinning wheel
it is a curse that can't be broken by a charming prince
it has to be a true love kiss - but from within.
Our weekends together are on loop in my brain...
Our weekends together are on loop in my brain
I keep replaying how you looped your arm around me
How you said you missed me when I left to use the bathroom
How the crook of your neck felt falling asleep
It helps me sleep, a smile on my lips
I keep replaying our first kiss
How we talked in front of my building
How we ended up intertwining our hands
How you kissed me, holding my cheek -
A fitting epilogue for a whole day spent together - for the very first time
I keep replaying our first night -
The tension as we watched the movie
Temptation so strong, the movie long forgotten
How gently you held me while your tongue explored my mouth
How you touched my breasts - for the first time - my gasp
Your body’s delicious weight on my mine
These nights keep haunting me any time I close my eyes
I keep replaying your gentleness, my tenderness
Your enveloping hugs as if holding something precious
Your head on my shoulder, your posture almost boyish
My tenderness for you keeps expanding in my chest - help
I keep replaying our moments together
They are the only thing I have
Until I can, once more,
Hold you in my arms and be held in yours
Loving him was making me smaller...
loving him was making me smaller
my shoes got too big for my feet
my rings kept falling off my fingers
as if tenderness I felt for him was a brick borrowed from the base of who I am
loving him was making me fade
little joys were blown out one by one
like candle flames by a lack of oxygen
as if to keep the love alight it had to feed off of the fire in me
loving him was making me disappear
the fabric of my soul got thinner and thinner
wearied out by the titanic weight of tenderness
with time I too became translucent
until one day loving him started making me angry
my will to live turned out to be stronger than my will to love
I ran with all my forces as he was wailing behind me
his arrows drawing thick blood from my spine
loving him left torn wounds on my back, my chest and my soul
loving him made my flesh frail but my bones strong
I wish I were a fresh summer breeze...
I wish I were a fresh summer breeze
The one that gently caresses you through an open window as you take a daytime nap
The one that brushes lost hair strands away from your face, bringing the freshness to your warm cheeks
Instead, I’m a gust of wind, inconvenient and unnecessary,
The one that ruins your fresh blowout
The one that’s unstable and sudden, making you curse and hurry back home
I wish i could say that my complexity makes me the one to say « Your girl is lovely Hubble » -
Instead, it makes me as interesting as a wild animal you love to observe but you would never approach
I’d make a better story than a person -
A distant tormented romantic figure
But alas, I am breathing and warm
I long to be held but my skin has been pierced through by my inner thorns
I’m loved not for me but despite of me...
I’m loved not for me but despite of me
Please leave on my tombstone « too much »
My persistent complexity, my contradictions
My incessant theatrics, my drama
Are a performance art signed « don’t touch »
I try to dose myself so as not to choke the others
But even I can’t stand the smell sometimes
I’d like to leave and be reborn as someone better
Someone who can be easily loved
My therapist says...
My therapist says
My sadness is my soul’s default state
That’s why I keep rolling back to it
Even when there’s no reason to
My therapist says
We’ll reprogram my nervous system together
Undo all the bad, relearn all the good
It will be alright, it will be as it should
My therapist says
Small progress is still progress
Incremental changes, again and again
It will be ok, just follow the plan
My therapist says…
But I am exhausted
I feel like constantly rowing against the stream
I feel like a bird flying against the wind
With every step, I lose three
like tourgenev’s bird, is it time for me too to fall in the sea?
My therapist says
Have faith, have hope
But I’ve recently rethought of a rope
I feel tired when I shouldn’t be
I feel hopeless when I’m supposed to be full of it
I feel scared when I should have been fearless
My therapist says
It will pass
But will it?
And will I make it
Clinging to a bony tree in the middle of a storm?