I look back now and see that many of the men I went on dates with truly did not have a chance. I did not know it at the time, but I was putting my own journey and needs ahead of the men I went on dates with and using them to learn and understand what it is that I wanted out of my life and who it was that I desired to be. I was being selfish... but isn't that somehow what we are supposed to do? No one else is going to live your life for you, and no one should be doing that. I needed to figure out my path, and that meant walking it. I was not ready to settle down back then. Somewhere inside of me I wanted to be ready, and since I had already traversed a 10 year commitment, I knew I could enter into a partnership successfully, but I was becoming a whole new human. I was finding my rhythm - a process most women bypass totally, or do early in their dating lives. I imagine this is what men feel in their 20's and 30's as time is passing but their right of passage ceremony hasn't been fulfilled internally. Perhaps this is why I was so magnetic to many men around this time. I was unattainable and free, confident and uninhibited. I was desirable without being able to be tamed. There was a sense of adrenaline is being around me, and unlike most women my age, i lacked any requirement for them to fit into a mold because I was truly and authentically living in the moment. There was only adventure available, and a test to keep up. At that time in my life, I was an unachievable entity and even I did not consciously realize what a pull I was having on the men. It took me a long time to understand why the most successful period of dating in my life came when I was largely unavailable. I set a challenge for men, a feat for them to conquer - but instead of being a bitch they could hate when the ultimate rejection came, I held them with love and compassion and (for many) helped them see how the chase was not about me; rather they were actually chasing their own destiny, walking their path to attain the manhood they sought.

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