You may wonder how dramatic I have been, and perhaps even cowardly for not learning to face the negative emotion, but those who have experienced loneliness as a disease may understand me. But now I understand what happened and what happens when loneliness returns to my home. Initially, my family wasn't entirely happy with the news, so seeing their faces and hearing all the bad things about my future buried a malignant thorn that kept growing. Then, as you know, there are changes in your body, physiological, hormonal, mental. I remember forgetting everything, and people getting upset because they thought I didn't care about their affairs or agreements. I had so much on my mind that I couldn't organize myself or concentrate, and everything they said I wouldn't achieve because of having a baby started to have an adverse effect; I started to believe it, and how bad that was! Because I went from loneliness to a state of denial of the present that completely banished me from myself. Before that, I believed myself to be a person, lively, happy, and resilient.
As my due date approached, loneliness suppressed my chest, and I didn't say it. I was afraid my son would feel my loneliness, and I didn't know how to abandon it. Loneliness became such a companion to me; it absorbed me, left me defenseless that I won't lie to you, I don't remember the last months before my childbirth, it was like being an inanimate object. However, everything changed when Al was born, and I heard his cry, life returned to me. I felt so empathetic with his cry; he came into life crying, and it was through my embrace that he calmed down. There I banished sadness from myself to become the guardian of my son. I remember that moment as a rebirth; my brain clicked, I freed myself. Reading more scientific articles, I found that it's true that a mother's brain changes radically during pregnancy and at the moment the baby is born because you are born with him.
I don't deny that I still feel loneliness with me, I cry, breathe, greet it, and ask it not to stay for too long because now I am a refuge for two little ones. Now I can tell you that it's normal to feel it for a while, but not as much as I experienced it. Finally, I accepted that I needed external help because I wasn't managing it alone. So, I started therapy, began to go out for walks, give myself alone time (which is ironic), listen to my body when something is wrong, and I no longer keep it to myself. I start to analyze it, study the cause, and don't let it become what didn't let me breathe or live months ago.
Thanks to whoever proposed this niche of writing because it's the first time I've made my most fatal emotions public, and also a huge thank you to the founders of T2 for giving us the wings and the pencil to create things we didn't think we could achieve.