Whichever stage you are at, loneliness and self-doubt have definitely taken a few seats among your board of directors. Most of the days, of course, you're driven by the mission and gratitude towards all the people supporting the mission. However that doesn't mean loneliness have left the board, it owns a part of you, and always casting a vote or two.
I didn't mean to write any piece today. Until I have stumbled upon @pame_limon's post about 'Being a Mom' as a reply to the prompt 'Have you ever feels like your all alone'? She mentioned how she had a great partner yet felt lonely, how she had no idea if what she was experiencing was normal, and how she was afraid her son would feel her loneliness yet didn't know how to abandon it.
That's when I realized building a company from the ground up is much like bringing a baby into the world. I don't think making a business is comparable to the grandness of motherhood. That's why I was so surprised at how much I resonated with her post as a startup founder. While you incubate, you have no idea if any of this is normal. You are making active decisions every single day for the future of this baby, hoping that your choices are right, or at least wrong enough to be rectified later. Your team pours their hearts into the shared mission, but the weight of long-term responsibility can be daunting, much like moms' transition from an autonomous individual to a guardian of another life.
But there's something worse. Highly likely, you're giving birth to an unwanted child. Statistically speaking, most startups do not survive their early days. If the failure rate was the infant mortality rate, the world would be doomed. I was listening to a podcast about Product Market Fit by Todd Jackson on Lenny's Podcast while doing my groceries; 'if your product disappears from the world tomorrow, and no one is sad about it, you haven't found a product-market fit yet.' And I just started crying in front of the egg section. The cage-free Large Brown Egg I was holding wasn't great at emotional support. (What a shame. What am I paying $8 for?) I mean, imagine you're a mom and know that no one but you actually care so much about your child, and you're the one who has to make sure it has a future. It's really up to how you find and build that future for your child; it's terrifying!
It's not just a moment of 'why doesn't anyone want my child? cry cry' moment; rather, it's the self-doubt guy on your board who now seems to be the chairman: Why are you making all this fuss? For what? Isn't it selfish of you to continue pushing what you think is good for the world? What if you're not making the world a better place but merely chasing your selfish dream?
Again, like @pame_limon, I can't be certain if these thoughts are 'normal.' I cannot know. They are simply part of the journey, and the only way forward is to to embrace it when it comes, taste it, welcome it, and grow with it. By the time the cashier was asking if I needed a bag, I was in the 'welcoming' stage. By the time I put the egg carton in my fridge, I had to grow with it and move my brain to a different zone within the ten steps until I sit back with my laptop. (Note to self: I guess the fridge-to-laptop distance is significant for more generous growth time. Dang now I want a 3BR.) This seemingly internal process, which we all go through alone, happens more frequently than it appears on the outside, hence the shared label: loneliness.
Reaching my seventh paragraph, far exceeding my intended length, I'm debating if I should publish this or not. In the tech world, admitting self-doubt can be a death knell for an early-stage founder. The Silicon Valley archetype demands an arrogant prick(quoting the show), all-in visionary who devours doubt and sacrifices all for the company, celebrating drop-outs and break-ups as badges of honor for the devotion while all of your desired actions primarily set you up to be alone.
Frankly, I signed up for this game. And I am grateful to still be on it. I will continue this path as long as I can, hoping for the day I can be re-born with my company, as @pame_limon so eloquently put it. Until then, I have one job; to continue walking, bringing my startup child towards its place in the world.
Cheers to my co-founder, my partner, friends and family who are making this journey possible together and reminds me I am in fact not alone