Hello Dorothy,
This is your new neighbor from downstairs, Stephanie Calloway. I am new to this building so I was wondering about a couple of things and hoping you could answer them. I know they advocated this in their brochure, but are the walls soundproof? I was told by lots of family, friends, and colleagues in the past that I tend to shit in immense volume. Though I’ve tried to keep my volume down by stuffing cotton in my ears, it didn’t seem to help. Therefore, it is important for me to know whether or not the walls are soundproof. Thank you.
Best,
Stephanie Calloway
P.S. The fruit basket at the door consists of 33 apples and 2 pairs of sponge bob socks. I heard that you have twins. Must be hard.
P.P.S. I know 33 apples may be a lot so if you really can’t eat that many, you can perhaps throw the apples away…… and maybe if on that day you are feeling a bit adventurous, you can try dropping the apples in room 324 where the very hot guy lives.
DEAREST OF DEARS Stephanie,
Do not fret, my dear, for the wall is completely soundproof. I assure you, our brochures are extremely accurate. My husband and I would not hear you even if you make intense love with an elephant. Welcome to the building. I have a strong feeling that we will become great friends.
Would you by chance partake with me in the activity involving staring at a screen while the pixels move? The film PRETTY WOMAN is calling your name!!! Get ready for some smoking hot action from richard gere.
With love, admiration, and affection,
DOROTHY
P.S. That is Jacob Smarro, and I have dropped some apples by his door. He is extremely funny and nice. My husband and I are good friends with him. I made sure to mention the pretty new girl that moved in just now.
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Dorothy Grace
Manager, www.StudySafe.me
Chemistry Department Lab Teaching Assistant
Student Health and Well-Being Advisory Board
Oberlin Pre-Health Initiative
Preferred Pronouns: She, Her, Hers
Dear DOROTHY,
I am honored by your invitation. It is always my lifelong dream to be invited by Dorothy Grace, the manager of www.StudySafe.me, the Chemistry Department Lab Teaching Assistant, a fellow member of the Student Health and Well-Being Advisory Board, and Oberlin Pre-Health Initiative. I have always been a big fan of you. I have posters of you on my wall… on my desk… and on my favorite guy Jacob Smarro’s favorite T-Shirt. If Jacob Smarro and I get married one day, you shall be the bridesmaid of honor. Or perhaps you and my dad can both walk me down the aisle. You choose. I am already half in love with you. I guess sometimes love just happens without two people needing to meet each other first.
Please let me know the time of our activity. I am very excited.
With all my love,
Stephanie
Dear Jacob Smarro,
Congratulations! It is truly your honor to have a place in my heart. You shall get your lingerie and sexy underwear at the end of May. Before you become deeply carved inside my heart like that tattoo of your name between my ass cheeks, you shall read the Stephanie Love Book and follow strictly by the rules. You will be tested monthly, weekly, and daily to see your dedication and devotion to Stephanie Calloway. I am confident that with your ruffled hair and gooey eyes, you will reach success without effort. Good luck.
The Stephanie Love Book
[PART 1] GREETINGS
1. You must say yes to Stephanie Calloway at all times
2. It is essential to French kiss Stephanie Calloway with your gorgeous tongue to show your deepest love towards her
3. Say “I love you” in 3 languages to Stephanie Calloway every day to practice your negotiation skills in case of foreign emergencies
[PART 2] COMMUNITY
1. When Stephanie Calloway gets in a fight with other members of the community, you shall always support Stephanie Calloway by punching and kicking the other person until they become unconscious.
2. When Stephanie Calloway kisses someone else in the cheeks as greeting, you shall remain jealous until Stephanie Calloway tells you not to.
3. When in need of Stephanie Calloway, jump out a window.
[PART 3] FUN FACTS ABOUT STEPHANIE CALLOWAY
1. Stephanie Calloway is deeply in love with the cheesecake in Trader Joe’s
2. Stephanie Calloway’s favorite lingerie is red. But sometimes when she’s having a bed day she likes the black one better
3. Stephanie Calloway is Jacob Smarro’s favorite little thing in the world
Please recite them and carve these rules deep in your heart.
With all respect,
Stephanie Calloway
P.S. Please do not mind the woman with a pink tutu who came down your water pipe yesterday. I’m pretty sure she’s new to the neighborhood and got a little lost trying to find the elevator down. She would’ve been gone quickly, too, if you weren’t just getting our of your shower at that moment.
Dear Stephanie Calloway,
Thank you so much for your letter. I hope you climbed home safe from that water pipe. Before I properly respond to your email, I want you to know that you are always welcomed to go to 324 and knock on the front door. Climbing the window then the water pipe down five windows seemed risky and maybe a little dangerous, no? However, I shall not force my opinion on you.
I have read the Stephanie Love Book and it has become my favorite book of all time. This book is such a phenomenon that I sometimes would wonder: oh how much more interesting the author must be if the book itself is already this interesting! If possible, I would love to schedule a one-on-one meet and greet with the author of this lovely book. Please let me know what time works best, since I’m sure Stephanie Calloway as a well-known author and extravagant intellectual must be a very busy person.
Forever a fanboy,
Jacob Smarro
Dear Jacob Smarro,
No. Not at all. Not busy, I mean.
Tomorrow? At 5pm? I’ll wake up at 6am to do my makeup.
I’m not weird I promise,
Stephanie Calloway