Four years ago, I left everything I knew to embark upon a journey into self. I had ended a relationship I had been in for 10 years, quit a six-figure job that I loved, in which I worked with people whom I admired, respected, and enjoyed. I left the four-bedroom home filled with every item needed and most that I desired, and one that would be paid off in just under a decade (or sooner, should we choose). The relationship was everything a person could ask for on paper - my partner was solid, moral, and kind; successful and stable. No, he was not without faults, but he was one of the best human beings I have ever known. My job was fulfilling and I was well paid - truly blessed to have been working in a role where I was not only successful, but appreciated. I wanted for nothing, and my partner and I had built a life free from debt with the capability to engage in almost any activity we wanted. I was pursuing my pilot's license, we owned a 21-foot boat which we regularly used for leisure and sport. We owned a 3-acre property with three gorgeous dogs, and even had kayaks and paid off vehicles. We had money for vacations (although we rarely traveled, perhaps the only misalignment in interests in the partnership) and I spent my weekends volunteering at our church, and served many nonprofit councils weekly, regularly spending my Monday evenings cooking and serving hearty meals to the homeless. I had a robust social network and enjoyed deep support from colleagues and friends alike. I was giving and receiving, and on a surface level, living a life that would be seen as impressive and greatly desirable to outsiders. Unfortunately, while from the outside, things looks great, the reality behind the scenes was far from it. I was unable to fully engage in this life, and was hiding dark skeletons that were clawing to get out. To make matters more frustrating, the more I tried to fit myself into this checklist of the perfect life, the more I seemed to confront the hole inside of me. I was uncomfortably face to face with the maxim that 'we all have exactly the life we believe we deserve'.
Having grown up almost completely drowned in trauma, and lacking the tools to overcome. I had a partner who could be charcterized like the dream man in a Hallmark movie. He was handsome and humble; kind and strong. The most supportive man I had known in my life, I somehow still found a myriad of things to complain about. I have since learned of the concept of 'projection' wherein we confront others and judge or attempt to control them as an outlet for shifting the spotlight from ourselves. I don't live with regret, because there is no purpose for this, although, if I did find there to be things I wish I could have or would have done better, the singular place for that type of thought would lie in relation to that partnership. More than anything, I ask for forgiveness and pray that my past partner would live knowing that he did more than what was reasonable, and that I retrospectively see all his efforts. Even if too late to save our relationship, the foundation of love he created in that decade saved me. The process it took for me to learn this was years in the making, and I am unsure we will ever get Earthly closure, yet I do find peace in the spiritual - that one day I will meet him again, and that his soul will receive mine and accept my gratitude and love, that which I was once unable to feel or give. I pray for this man almost daily and I meditate for peace, love, and harmony in his life.
As for my job, I had attained a level of success that most women my age would dream of. I was working for a wonderful Godly man who was a pursuer of growth - spiritually and professionally - which made for a deeply aligned working dynamic. We had our moments of tension, but it was the kind of iron sharpening iron that you might read about in a stoic's account of history with his trusted number two. I was honored to have his trust and his friendship, and his admiration of my abilities to propel his business forward. He poured into me resources and encouragement and allowed me to flourish in the role that I took on. He allowed for me to take the reigns, and gently guided me spiritually when he could see my traumas thwarting my otherwise good efforts. I have been blessed with many wonderful bosses and mentors, but this one will forever live in my life as one who made a lasting impact. I also pray for this man regularly, and for the health and happiness of his family and success of his business.
The team members I worked with over that decade have continued to be a part of my life. Realtors, medical professionals, clients, and administrative personnel that I worked alongside fill my Facebook feed. I look at my online network and see the accumulation of beautiful souls that I spent years growing alongside. Some met me in my worst egoistic moments and have since gracefully accepted my repentance as I've grown; some wisely allowed for my blunders even then, without requiring any apology or explanation, and have watched on with kind and caring eyes as I've walked into my more authentic self; and a few seem to have genuinely loved me in my worst and in my best with no distinction. The latter group perplexes and humbles me, guides me, and saves me even now as I remember their unadultured acceptance and love from that time when I am in the lowest moments of my mind's prison.
As for my family system growing up, it was complicated and confusing. Little financial literacy was known or taught, and we seemed to live in contradiction (albeit, I have come to learn and understand the concept of priorities and things are somehow less confusing as an adult). My parents both came from good families, and my mother was somehow a classy woman. She prioritized ensuring that we went to church on Sunday, that we wore age appropriate and clean clothing, and annually threw a large Christmas party for 100 of her closest friends. The home would always look elegant for the holidays, and she was as careful about her reputation as she was about the holiday decor. While my father earned a good salary, it never seemed to be enough for my mother, and there were endless conversations about how we would pay the bills each month - money was (and for her, still is) a constant topic of conversation. She would never pay full price, dragging me to Burdines after school spending hours perusing the discount racks to purchase a new blouse, and in later years, as a new social security check became available, she chose to put new pavers on her driveway to the tune of $7K. My mother boasts that she is great at saving money, but I find that she is as good at pinching pennies as she is as wasting truckloads. It seemed that my mother could only ever pay her bills at the end of the month by praying to God that some miracle would bring her unexpected income every quarter to cover the overspend. God always answered and so I learned a few lessons that created my baseline beliefs about money and the world:
- Money is scarce; there is not enough, and it will always be something to worry about.
- If you pray hard enough, God will always provide.
There is beauty in the second belief, although the first belief, specifically compared with the second, seemed to take away all agency in life. This was deeply concerning to me, as I had learned not to trust the world.
To be continued....