Lately I have felt in a dilemma. I was raised in a family with christian values where everything is called good or bad, what should be done or should not be done, but as I lived my own experiences I have realized that life is not black or white, it is more complex than that.
Internally I feel a learned pressure that everything I have to do must be “correct” or “the best option”, but has that really gotten me where? I look around me and see people with more experience and greater maturity, precisely because they have made mistakes but have come out of them. The answers I used to receive to my questioning of following this mentality or way of life have been, for protection, to avoid regrets, to avoid mistakes. But what is life without those things?
Lately, life has led me to meet people who speak or quote writings where they talk about how life always involves two opposite sides, if I remember correctly it is mentioned in a law of hermeticism, or universal law, the pendulum, where everything works with its opposite side, if something rises it must fall, if something is born it must die, day cannot exist without night, cold without heat. I have also found that they talk about the shadow that is part of each of us, which is nothing more than the part of our person or personality that we do not accept due to the pressures of society, and how we reach a level of consciousness by accepting and embracing that part of us and free ourselves from feeling ashamed.
My path led me to come across a book, in a curious way, through a song that expressed the confusion I feel when getting entangled in the dilemma of questioning what I have been taught and following my own path, and how I want to break that “shell” which you come out of at some point in life, which is commonly known as “becoming a man,” by thinking and facing things for yourself. (English ver - Spanish ver)
This is how I started reading the book Demian, by Hermann Hesse, a novel that is quite easy to read as it closely narrates changes in the main character's mentality, it touches on topics such as C. G. Jung's theories between the individual unconscious and the collective unconscious, philosophy of the force of Nietzsche and his concept of a new man, in a simple way.
First he begins by talking about how in his childhood he understood that two worlds existed, the world at home with security, purity, but also severity and having to confess, while on the other hand there is the world outside, full of liars, cruelty, forbidden topics, but attractive. The breakdown of his relationship with the safe world occurs when he gets into trouble with a boy older than him who begins to blackmail him and ask him for things, his world collapses, he steals, lies, and he can no longer rely on his parents to ask for help, because he decides to face it alone:
“The first blow to the pillars on which my childhood had rested, and all men have to destroy in order to be the same. These events that no one sees form the essential line of our destiny. The tear heals and is forgotten, but inside the being it continues to exist and bleed.”
That moment is scary when you discover a new feeling, for which you cannot apologize as it is something so essential. In this moment of chaos and bitterness, the character Demian is presented in the middle of conversations in which these “forbidden topics” are questioned, beginning with the reference to the story of Cain and Abel, offering a different interpretation, where there is a confrontation between the strongest and the weakest, the one who faces his dark side and does not flee, and who hides in excuses because he fears the cunning and character of those who reach that point.
“There is nothing more annoying for man than to follow the path that leads him to himself.” Here I wonder, why it is so difficult for us to reach ourselves, and why what this produces makes us want to take refuge in things that, according to the collective, are secure?
Demian becomes, I would say, in his guidance, in the company of his reflections, he opened his eyes to the possibilities of discovering himself without fear.
On another occasion they speak about the God of the Bible, the New and Old Testament, where he is limited to represent himself as the beautiful, the elevated, the noble, the good, life, but the world is composed of other things, which are attributed to the 'devil' silencing half the world, why not have one that represents all aspects of life and we don't have to close our eyes when these essential things happen?
During his school years, he experiences a separation with his family, no longer feeling comfortable with them. He begins to lead a life where he drinks and is lonely, he begins to dream and love in secret while spending hours drawing and adoring the people he has fallen in love with. That path leads him to make portraits, letting himself be carried away by his trance and loneliness, he venerates them, and he dedicates himself to them, discovering himself. There he will meet a frustrated priest hearing him playing the piano full of feeling, with whom he once again gets to have these types of discussions. “I know you have dreams about which you tell me nothing. I don't want to know them. But I tell you something, long live everyone! Set up altars! It's not perfect, but it's a way. It will be seen if we, you, me and a few others, are capable of renewing the world. But we must renew it in ourselves, day by day, otherwise we are worthless!"
“Each one had a mission, but it could not be chosen, defined, or administered at will. It was wrong to want new gods, and completely false to want to give something to the world. There was no duty for the conscious man, except to search for himself, to establish himself within himself, to feel his way forward without worrying about the goal that he might lead to". It strikes me that although the character is surrounded by sacred writings from so many religions, people who studied ancient knowledge, that wisdom did not propel him forward, what really did was advance within him, following his dreams, intuitions, thoughts, which guided him to show him the inner power it entails.
At the end, even if l don't agree with everything the protagonist shares, in my mind I kept repeating this phrase: “I was a project of nature, a project towards the unknown, perhaps towards the new, perhaps towards nothingness. And my mission, my only mission was to let that project that came from the depths to be realized, to feel his will in me and to identify with it completely".
What do l think? What do l conclude? Maybe it deserves another article, for now, I'm gonna explore a little bit living with the new view the book gives me...
Thanks for reading! Please share your thoughts or opinions, l wanna read them, and if you liked the text, I highly recommend reading the novel.