“Shit”

The swear croaks out of me feebly , I wished it sounded angry but the lump in my throat tears it out with a choked up sob. I had done it now- so why was my mind still clawing at my skull, screaming and thrashing I just wanted it all to be quiet. To all calm down.

Onyx stared up at me blankly from where his body lay on the bed, like an old TV; blinking out, still vaguely warm, still kind of static. Grief churned with jealousy in my gut. People who said jealousy burnt had lied. It was cold as it slid across my heart, almost like a snake. Here Onyx slumbered, peacefully while I wept and whined. For a moment, I thought of joining him. I thought of laying his head on my lap, brushing the strands of his black hair out of his stone cold face and smiling at him before taking my place longside him in the stars. But I knew not to be foolish.

Onyx got what he deserved, just like they all did. They were the ones who had lied to me, betraying me and our friendship in the process. Runa and Aster shouldn’t have surprised me with their infidelity but Onyx? He was nothing without me, he would have had no one if it wasn’t for me. And how does he repay my kindness? By throwing it all in my face and breaking all that we had. Asking me those stupid questions so innocently. Had I not been any wiser, I wouldn't have even thought about what he had truly meant but I have been cautious. The perks of knowing someone since before I could talk meant that I could tell when they were lying or hiding something.. Especially someone like Onyx.

It had taken me months if not years to coax the slightest bit of emotion out of him. Night after night I held him as he cried for his father who had left his child and wife without so much as a note.

I taught him how to love, how to smile and how to laugh. If it wasn’t for me Aster and Runa would never have looked his way. We would never have become the friends we are- were.

“I miss them” Onyx had begun after we both settled in his bed, curtains drawn to ward off the blistering heat. My heart leapt as he mentioned them. Aster, Runa, Jasmine. Paling immediately, I shuffled closer to him as I took his hand in mine and rubbed small circles across his wrist. It was a habit I had procured after sitting with him during his panic attacks. They were much more frequent before, and had almost stopped before that horrid autumn night but had since grown back stronger.

“I miss them too,” I whispered. I was shocked to find that it was true, despite it all, I loved them and trusted them. But I couldn’t let myself wallow and sulk, not after all that I knew.

“Do you not find it a bit weird? Their deaths, I mean” he questioned, the movie murmured softly in the background, forgotten.

“ What do you mean?” I replied hesitantly trying to keep the tremor out of my voice. When I saw his smirk, the slight quirk of his lips. The slight raise of his eyebrow. That’s when it’s sunk in.

Onyx knew, he knew and he was teasing.

Yes, now that I look back, his eyes had an arrogant glint, clearly he thought he was playing me, leading me to believe that he knew nothing just to spring it on to me when he thought I wouldn’t expect it. But I was smarter. He may have figured it out, but I knew it was only a matter of time before he did.

Onyx was always the smartest out of us all.

But this soon? I was meticulous, crafting each kill so that no one, not their families, not their friends and certainly not the police could have believed that they were anything more than accidental. A nervous breakdown leading to suicide and a careless injection gone wrong.

Methodically, I grabbed the pillow next to me and hugged it tightly to my chest.

“ I just mean, do you really believe what the police say?” His body was facing mine as I stared at the laptop screen, not computing any of the events happening in front of me.

“ Don’t you?” I replied, opting not to answer his question. I couldn’t lie to him, he would know from just a glance. It often comforted me that I didn’t need to use words for him to know what I was thinking, but now it seemed more like a weapon that I hadn’t learned to avoid- hadn’t needed to avoid. Not until now.

“It’s all just so sudden, I mean don’t you remember Runa promising to tell us something important, the very thing that had her so distant? And then a couple days later I’m meant to believe that she decided to jump off a roof? Does that really sound like her to you?” He questioned. “Runa never broke a promise, you know that” his voice almost sounded like a plea.

“And Aster, who was so tediously careful, accidentally injected herself with the wrong medicine? What medicine was she even taking and why wouldn’t she have told us she was sick?” Tears welled up in his eyes, he blinked as they blurred his vision.

“He” the word tumbled out numbly before I could control it.

“ What?” he asked, confusion etched on his face.

“Aster was taking testosterone, that’s the medicine he was taking. Aster is- was a boy”

Was this relief? Keeping the secret had slashed my mind to pieces.knowing that because of me Aster wasn’t here, living as himself.

“How do you know that” Onyx asked slowly, dragging his wrist away from my clutch, brows furrowed deeper. “That wasn’t in the police report” he stated carefully.

I froze underneath his gaze. This wasn’t how tonight was supposed to go. How could I have let myself be so heedless. I had just served Onyx a confession on a silver platter. There was nothing for him to suspect. I gave him all he needed to know to lock me up for the rest of my life.

Gasping, he scrambled to get away, hitting his back against the corner of the wall with a thud as his breaths came in shorter, eyes dramatically wide and glossy with fear. It broke my heart to see him look at me this way. The same way I promised him to never need again, not as long as I’m with him.

“No,no,no,no” he repeated like a mantra under his breath.

My lack of reaction had told him everything he needed to know. It was as if the whole world came crashing down at that moment. He darted backwards, slamming his back on the wall, mind too cloudy to even feel the pain. The rise and fall of his chest was uneven, breath coming out in short bursts. Tears streamed down his face freely.

Pouncing, my mind raced. I needed him to be quiet, he can’t let anyone know. Gripping the pillow in my hands, I forcefully smothered it into his face, holding his body down completely as he flailed his arms about desperately.

“I'm so sorry, Onyx.” I sobbed, voice coming out strangled.

It didn't take long for Onyx's lungs to finally surrender, his body unmoving with no physical traces of what had happened, as if he were a pristine statue.