How do you make a woman?” they say, with sugar, spice and a bit of something not nice.

The Description You Should Read

This is a four course meal, courtesy of our Chef - The Big Man Upstairs. It does not follow the recognized order. Enjoy.

The Salad

Not an appetizer or a dessert, it is just a salad, like icing on a cake.

It always starts when you least expect it. Of course you would have been expecting it since, you will be anxious when all your friends have seen theirs and, if you are as crazy as I would like to imagine you to be, you will think something is wrong with you.That sneaky rat will creep up on you when you least expect it to, but you are not supposed to take offense because it has been doing it for eons, and you should be relieved.

You could be lucky and there would not be much pain, or the universe could decide to punish you by wringing your insides like a wet towel. The excitement would wear off as the fears really settle in; the fear of being stained. You will be afraid to sit down, scared you would stand up to see a large red smiley on your skirt. You will be advised to sit in a certain way, your legs crossed to help abate the flow. When you pass people by you will be sure that they have their noses scrunched up, that air somehow managed to kiss those blood clots and turn you into a stinking mess.

At home you will be terrified. You have not quite mastered the art of putting on a sanitary pad, so you will find out that lying on your side still would not keep your bedsheets safe. Your brother is asking what the hell a map of blood is doing on the bed and you will want to cry. The older females in your life expect you to get your act together.

Fast forward to three years. You still have not mastered the art of putting on a sanitary pad, and you are scared of your boyfriend breathing in too deeply and catching that scent. You know you have nothing to be ashamed of, it is part of your biological makeup and that of a billion and more people in the world.But you wince when someone says “Your skirt is stained dear,” and you look for products to get the acne off your face.

It will get better over time, or maybe not. The cramps, the pimples and mood swings on super overdrive. Everyone seems to think you are a mad person, and you hate how your emotions always give you away. You can not take sugar like you used to, and you are about to melt into a puddle because you have lost your pen. What is worse? Everyone seems to know it is “that time of the month”.

You will struggle to sleep, insomniac on most nights - you are actually going to lose at least five months of sleep in your life from this alone - and you will still be scared of staining the sheets. You will have intense back pains and cramps, and headaches and blackouts. It is like pregnancy, only that you have to emit things that could embarrass you.

You miss a period, then two and you will have your eyebrows raised. You are worried about how this could affect your fertility. The cramps get worse, their pain excruciating and you will think the doctor is mad for calling it endometriosis, because of course that should not happen to you, you have already bled enough.

In your moments of gratitude you will remember that friend that never goes out during her period, she can use six pads a day when you are still using two. You will remember the one that stays bedridden, because it causes her to fall seriously ill.

That does not mean you would not wake up angry sometimes, and tired of being a girl. It is going to go on for a long time, and you are just getting started. Have fun.