On one corner of my wall, I have scribbled ‘It’s simpler than I think’.
Technically, it’s not in a corner. It’s rather just in a random place on the wall, at eye level when I’m sitting on the chair in my room which I rarely sit on.
Anytime I sit there, I assume I have to be serious which makes me super nervous.
I don’t know why ‘technically’ sounds weird as a word and once I read in a book that maybe teachers or people that were inclined to teaching used the word more.
So since then, I’ve looked at the word rather strangely, pronouncing it and making sure the words are enunciated even though I’m not interested in teaching or lecturing.
I can’t tell if I truly detest teaching or not because sometimes I feel I have been so conditioned with the world, society and many things that I can’t quite discern what I truly like.
Maybe I should discover it or maybe I like my broken self more. I’m ashamed to admit.
Once, I read something that surprised me. It said that maybe fear isn’t stopping me. Maybe I enjoy the fear in a way that if someone took the fear from me and I was no longer afraid, I may ask for it back.
It was quite deep. It should resonate within your bones and jolt you back to a realm of consciousness and realisation.
By now, you should be nodding your head and rereading each line to get the deeper meaning like it was a scripture and you fell into a trance.
Being on auto-pilot is scary and comforting. You know, just stuck in the everydayness of life and the randomness that it brings that makes you settle in a wave of complacency. Till I stumble on a clip by Apostle Selman and I suddenly remember that I should be changing the world instead of wondering if there should really be a rule for wearing matching earrings.
Then, I’d grab a pen immediately and start listening only to settle in the auto-pilot mode again. It’s a scary cycle. I know it is.
On another side of the wall, there’s ‘Romans 12:12’ scribbled on it. It’s not scribbled. It’s very legible. Sometimes, I imagine getting it tattooed on my wrist when I can now easily afford to get a tattoo without my mother worrying about me.
Sometimes I wonder what I’ll do if I get tired of it since the verse centres around not quitting.
Sometimes, I want to scream my lungs out and then hang my lungs while staring at them knowing that the next time I scream, there’d be nothing to scream out.
I know that’s pretty sick but imagine me seeking your validation before writing this piece. I never would have made it past the first line.
I recently thought about the curse of discipline and it’s perturbing. You’re supposed to wake up and do the things you don’t feel like doing. I want to feel like doing them.
Why can’t we feel like doing them? I mean I understand the whole ‘the body seeks safety’, ‘comfort zone’ yadah yadah but why not?
I know the 3-second rule and the other rules that need you to do the right thing. But I want the excitement. I want to feel like doing these things. Again, my feelings are so fleeting so maybe I’ll have to detach from it.
I started reading a book on how to manage your emotions but I was too pissed to finish the book. It felt like I was in a panic attack and someone was trying to explain it to me instead of helping me out.
Don’t tell me what is happening to me. I want out. I know people say identifying your problems is a major way to solve them. They lied. Identifying your problems just identifies your problems. That’s all.
Romans 12:12 reminds me of persistence, Napoleon Hill’s favourite mantra in Think and Grow Rich.
The crazy thing about it is that it’s hard as hell. He knows too so he repeated it several times throughout the book. He was pretty persistent if you ask me.
By now, you should know that there is no structure to this piece. I have no fancy advice or amazing experience to share.
I’ve been suffering from emotion overload and the one time I got distracted from it was now which led to me writing this piece.
I was soliloquizing and I stared at my walls and saw these things. Now, I see ROAR.
I watched Sarah Jakes Roberts’ video on ROAR and that was it for me. I can’t remember it now but it was mainly about you bloody taking responsibility for your life. I became a lion and roared. Then I stood up and I wrote ‘roar’ on my walls.
‘It’s simpler than I think’ is what started this piece. I realise this line is false on so many levels but it’s still on my walls.
I must have heard it from a TikTok video with some maudlin sound effects that made me sniffle and then I wrote it.
Again, perspective is so major. Sometimes, I want to switch minds with other people for fun. Maybe borrow some of their excitement, nonchalance or determination for a day. But what would they have in return? Chaos?
I’m reading The Extraordinary Mind by Vishen and I think it’s a cool book. Cool is not the right word to describe it just like technically doesn’t count as the right adverb to describe things to me but it’s a good book. It kind of tugs at your brain, switching off the autopilot mode, but then what happens the next day? And the day after that? And even after this piece.
I hate the colour of my walls. It's a dull ugly shade of cream and reminds me of emptiness and it reeks of mediocrity. Also, is there a cure for being pedantic?
Lastly, why does ‘platonicity’ not exist as the noun for platonic? It sounds really sexy if you think about it.