The nerves never really went away. Every time I had to do this, bile rose up my throat, a pit in my stomach. If only everyone just kept their word. If only no one had betrayed me. I would never have to do this again. But that would only happen in a perfect world, a world that I didn't live in.
Just like Runa, it was almost impossible to realise when the doubt had gripped my mind. But once it did it never let go, sinking its claws into me further as the days went by. Nights full of tossing and turning followed and I often found myself on the rooftop. Runa… why did you need to betray my trust? I loved you and you threw it in my face. Threw it in all of our faces. And now another one of our friends has decided to follow in your footsteps.
Aster. She had become increasingly scarce, speaking up less and less, her time frequented by sitting alone in her room. What was she doing in there? Why did she take so long getting ready in the morning too? She was a punctual person, almost priding herself in that regard, yet ever since that cold, bitter Autumn she had become increasingly late to class. It was one of those days when she was almost an hour late to class, my blood running cold. She was also against me. Just like Runa. Just like everyone else in my life. Why? I wasn't a bad person, I just wanted to protect everyone. They were all weaker than me, someone had to sort out the problem last Winter, and nobody else had made a move. What I did might have been drastic but it was necessary. Something that no one else could've done. I thought that would be the only time I would need to do something like that, so then why?
One afternoon, as the sun hit its peak point I met up with Aster in her room. Her eyes darted shiftily, constantly glancing between me and her suitcase. Did she think I was stupid? That I wouldn't notice something so blatant? I knew then that she was planning something drastic. Would she do what I did to Runa? I doubt it, she was always too meek, not wanting to get into trouble. Even still she struggled to keep eye contact with me, sapphire blue eyes sparkling under the fluorescent lights. At that moment I almost pitied her. She would never be able to beat me, never be able to tell anyone about what happened that blustering Winter night. But the seeds of doubt had already been sown, and unfortunately for her I came with a plan.
Degastrol. A contraceptive that contained soybean oil. Something Aster was allergic to. It hopefully would be a quick death, I didn't want to draw out her suffering. I still loved her of course, but I had to protect us. This was for her own good, if she had told anyone what happened her life would've been destroyed along with mine. Surprise overtook me at that moment. I hadn't expected Aster to snitch. Quiet and calm Aster who kept a secret no matter what. What changed this time? Did she suspect me again? She never really did believe that Runa committed suicide. I tried to tell her it was nonsense and that just because Runa was happy on the outside it didn't mean she didn't have grief inside her.
Regardless of anything, this was my cue. Aster had just gone into the bathroom, so I'd have to work quickly. I set the vial onto the ground where I knew she couldn't avoid it and I rummaged through her luggage trying to find anything, any evidence of that day. To my surprise there was nothing pointing towards it. Nothing except a clear vial, that I snatched up at the speed of light. I could read it later. As I went to read the name I heard the rattling of the bathroom door handle. Was she on to me? Had I been too hasty? Too loud? Blood running cold, I scrambled to hide behind the door just as it swung open.
My heart pounded and my throat felt like a desert, devoid of moistness. Not even daring to take a breath, I watched her as her head swivelled across the room. Did she find me? What would I do if she found me? I could overpower her but it would be noisy, someone could hear us. Thoughts coursed around my mind, broken by the sound of glass shattering. The vial of Degastrol. It was time. I would get no second chance, no do over.
I leapt to action, plunging the needle I had brought with me earlier into her arm. The effects were instantaneous, she hadn't even noticed me leaving the room. The familiar feel of bile rose up my throat again. I needed air. Now.
In a daze, I made my way to the roof, only allowing myself to breathe a shuddering breath when I knew I was alone. My mind was blank. It wasn't like this last time, where thoughts overwhelmed my brain. No, it was hauntingly empty this time. I only hoped that Aster died quickly. Just like Runa. The idea of making my friends suffer made nausea spread throughout my stomach. I had done this for them, for us. Suffering had never been the intention.
At that moment I remembered the vial I had thrown into my pocket. If there was one thing this school was good for it was the uniform with pockets aplenty, something that had helped multiple times, that Winter especially. With trembling hands I brought the clear vial to eye level. Why was I so scared? It would most likely be a sedative or something. Aster definitely wanted to harm me first. Looking at the name written in black ink, my face froze, it was as if my heart had stopped pumping.
Testosterone.
