That day when the world came crashing down again. Raindrops pounding into the ground mixing with muffled sobs and hushed whispers. The sky swathed with shades of grey, completely suppressing the sun. Runa who made everyone's day brighter deserved to leave in the light too, but unfortunately the world had other plans.
Aster sighed. A month had passed since Runa's death, yet the wounds were still fresh in his mind. Her usually smiling face was tranquil, but drained of life. It was as if it were a paradox, looking so much like Runa, but also nothing like her. Aster's grip on the bag he was holding tightened, and his heart dropped, guilt spreading through his mind like a parasite. He had noticed something was wrong with Runa. Everyone did. Yet he was so caught up in his own secrets and problems he didn't even think to ask her if she was okay. Didn't even try to understand her or comfort her. And now she was gone. The police told her family that it was a suicide. No one believed them at first. Runa was positivity incarnate, no one would've thought she had negativity festering inside her. But he should've known better. He had known her for almost his whole life, he should've known that something was wrong. But he didn't. He failed her and that was something he'd have to live with forever.
The bag in his hand dropped to the wooden floor with a thud. Clarity returned to his mind, clearing the oppressing haze. Now wasn't the time to despair. Begrudgingly, Aster began to go back to packing, haphazardly throwing his belongings in his bag. Folding his newly bought binder he allowed himself to breathe, while his friends hadn’t questioned why he started going by Aster he knew that flattening his chest wouldn’t be as easy to hide and he wasn’t sure he was ready for them to know who he really was. His parents hadn’t accepted him with gentle grins and open arms but they had promised to try. Squishing down his disappointment, he smiled and thanked them; after all their promise was better than he could have hoped for. Soon after, he had bought a binder that he had yet to try while he was stuck in the school dorms. Giddily, he placed it neatly beside the remainder of his clothes before hearing the familiar pounding on the door. Three fast knocks followed by two slower knocks.
No, he wasn’t ready for them to see. It was moments like this that had Aster regretting giving his friends spare keys to his room.
“We’re coming in Aster,” Onyx called out as he entered, Dahlia following in tow.
Quickly, Aster threw the lid of the suitcase shut, zipping it hazardously, pushing it under his bed as he looked back up at his friends who wore matching confused looks.
“O-Kay” said Onyx, stretching out the ‘O’, his dark brows frowned as he shuffled into the room.
The dorm Aster had been assigned was compact and cramped with a small bathroom shoved into one wall while the other held a square window that did nothing to allow the sunlight in. The room had barely fit all of them before, but now with only three of them remaining, the room seemed too big- hollow.
”H-Hi” Aster began, clearing his throat. “What are you guys doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be packing?”
“Packing’s all done, besides my parents aren’t coming to pick me up till tomorrow, something about an urgent work meeting.” Onyx replied, an almost bored expression painting his face.
It wasn’t unusual for Onyx’s parents to be late- if they even bothered to show up. They had taught Onyx how to ride the train or bus alone after leaving him, crying and lost, at a supermarket when he was eight. From then on he had learned to do everything by himself. He was used to this- used to being left behind and forgotten the moment his parents’ boss calls for them to take on another shift. He shouldn’t be upset yet he couldn’t control the dejected sigh that escaped his mouth.
Aster offered him a small, comforting smile. He wished he could bundle the other boy up in a tight hug but he knew that a hug was the furthest thing from what Onyx needed- or wanted. He had a firm no touch rule, Dahlia being the only exception of course. She had once teased a pouting Aster that hugging Onyx was a perk from knowing him since they were both in diapers. Still, Aster struggled not to touch him, after Dahlia, he was the touchiest person in the group and was always seen hooking his arm with one of his friends if they were walking, and almost always leaning on them when sitting.
Dahlia was still standing in the doorway, round brown eyes glued intently to where the suitcase once was. As if she had felt Aster staring, her head snapped up and a smile replaced her pursed lips.
“Would you like me to stay with you? My mom won't mind me staying an extra night.” she offered. Onyx looked at her with a grateful look.
“No, its okay.” he told her.
“Nonsense, I’ll text my mom to let her know,” she exclaimed, taking her phone out excitedly as she typed away, her phone charm clicking against her wrist as she spun to show him her mothers response.
Aster took a short glance at the phone charm; a pink dahlia. Runa had gotten it for her a couple years ago, despite Dahlia protesting that she doesn't like pink.
“See! All sorted, I'll stay an extra night, we can have a sleepover.” she giggled.
“Come on now let’s go get lunch before the cafeteria closes,” Dahlia suggested, taking Onyx’s hands in hers as she dragged him to the door from where he was sitting on Aster's bed.
“Okay, okay you can stop pulling my arm now.” He laughed, tripping as he stood up following her. His bad mood was clearly forgotten. Dahlia seemed to have that effect on him. On everyone really, Aster thought. She was reliable and helped them all through the hard times that they had faced.
“Aster, you coming?” She asked him.
“Yeah, give me a minute,” he answered. She shrugged her shoulders, skipping to the cafeteria while still holding a blushing Onyx behind her. Aster loved his friends, but right now he needed a small moment to himself. The idea of almost getting caught, of almost having his secret revealed made his heart feel as if it could jump out of his chest at any minute.
Aster walked into the bathroom, clicking the door shut behind him. Opening the tap, he let the cold water run for a moment before he placed his hand under the water, watching it stream through his fingers before he took a handful and splashed his face with the water. He tilted his head back, water droplets making their way down his neck. Aster breathed deeply before holding it all together. Straining his ears, he could hear shuffling from his room. Did Onyx leave something on his bed?
What if he found-?
Aster shut the tap and spun towards the locked door fully prepared to open it before stilling. Suspicion arose in his mind as the shuffling grew louder. It seemed as though the person outside was frantically cleaning up.
“Onyx? Dahlia?” He called out, resting his hand on the door knob, trying to keep still.
The shuffling stopped.
Aster tried not to panic, while it wasn’t rare to find his friends looking through his things (they often forgot their things in each other's dorms), they always announced themselves as they walked in.
Mustering all the courage he could, Aster opened the door forcefully.
No one was there.
What?
He was sure he heard movement. His mouth felt like cotton and he couldn't control the shake in his legs as he took a few steps forward. He stumbled slightly, a vial crushed on the floor, clear liquid coating the bottom of his foot. It was his testosterone vial. The same one he had packed into his suitcase along with his clothes and binder. His breath hitched, strangling him as he bent down to pick the scattered shards of glass. From the corner of his eyes he saw another vial carelessly dropped under his bed. Taking it, he examined it to read the prescription. Immediately he let go as if it was molten- burning through his skin. The vial had the label of Degastrol, a contraceptive that usually contained soybean oil.
Aster was allergic to nuts.
He swivelled as he felt a sharp pin prick stinging the back of his arm. No one was there. Nausea bubbled and boiled in his stomach, vision blurring. Stumbling, he knocked down the lamp from his desk as he reached for stability, glistening shards of glass flinging to the ground. His head pounded against his skull a faint ringing emerged from the silence and crept into his ears, an unforgiving cacophony of noise that took over all his senses. His mouth felt heavy barricading any sound that attempted to escape him.
He gasped. He gasped again. His head slumped against the cold, hard floor. Hazy vision allowed him to see only shimmering glass pieces and the brown tint of the wood floor.
A lone tear cascaded down his cheek, there on his dorm floor, Aster gasped one final time, as if there was a weight on his chest that has finally been relieved. Then he shut his eyes and allowed the darkness to wash over him, plunging him into nothingness.
