I checked my oura ring summary for the week and my sleep debt seriously went up. I have been working so hard on this deal. Poured my sweat and soul into it until I have been left empty. I stare into the emptiness of the excel sheet and I think of Ofelia’s voice praising me for my wit. That will erase all the hardship I have voluntarily put myself through. The horrible many hours of forced will power that I had to squeeze from the corners of my consciousness. Only emotion and devotion could move someone to such inhumane labour.
I hype myself up and rush to her office to deliver the fruits of my work. I enthusiastically, but confidently begin delivering my presentation, but my confidence steadily decreases as I lose her attention. She seems to be looking at my suit, more than listening. Must be the fact that I haven’t properly compiled my ideas. I must be using so many waste words. Should have had an other red bull and power to an other test run of my presentation. I change my strategy and try to crack some jokes, thinking this might recapture her attention. She does not seem to notice, so I move on, clearly delivering my thorough analysis. Her face doesn’t really express anything, but mild discomfort. Maybe I don’t make sense? I should have asked Will to do a run with me. I am embarrassing myself. And I was so proud of this. Simply ridiculous. I have no clue how I can have all these thoughts, all while continuing with my presentation, but I keep going.
Ofelia completely disengages and I have no idea if my anxiety soars or flattens. My excitement levels and suddenly I catch myself thinking I am not fighting the fight. I should not give up, before the verdict comes and stay at it. Soon after, she stands up and says:
“Thank you, this is super insightful. You must’ve spent a long time with that analysis, but I’m not sure this is the right angle. Let’s do some more digging.”
Oh well, I tried at least. I will do better next time. I can only think of going back home and taking a long nap. At least now I can peacefully sleep without all the dreams of perhaps impressing my boss. The constant nightmares I was getting during the past week did take a toll. I was trapped in this endless maths problem and had to solve it as if my life depended on it. And then suddenly I would realise I am just dreaming and there is no need to compute the problem. I would give up and the sense of relief was so sweet. When my dreams got crushed in real life, I felt the same, but with some extra shame for even daring to dream of my work raising to Ofelia’s standards.
I go back to my desk and try not to let my disappointment and shame show, but I am quite sure everyone can at least smell it. Their faces slowly change as I approach them and their pitiful looks are just so obvious. I get on with my day and hope to recover until the meeting later on. I am curious about Ofelia’s take as I know the partners are truly relying on her to deliver something seriously great and her promotion depends on this. Such a shame I could not contribute. Or maybe I could? She pinged me later on asking to prepare a neat presentation for our meeting with the senior team. There were a couple of back and forths, but in the end I did manage to make it work, so that she was content.
In the meeting, she took the word and started presenting our analysis in words that I could never put together as neatly as she does. I felt proud to have my work be delivered by my boss, but before I realised the meeting was coming to an end. I still felt like the climax was yet to come, though. I could not really believe when everyone stood up, shook hands and went their ways. To me it felt like the main act had been skipped, but I guess Ofelia did say everything that had to be said. Was I hoping for a little appreciation and a little nod? Is this egocentric of me to ask? To be fair, she is my senior and she did come with loads of feedback, that seriously improved my work. The ego is a dangerous thing. To even expect her to acknowledge the little work I have done seems a bit over the top. In the end, it is my job to d what I have literally just done.
When the partner said: “Thank you so much Ofelia. Your analysis and the way you’ve gone about this analysis has shown us why we chose to work with you. Your insights are unmatched. We’ll be in touch for next steps, but we cannot wait to work wit h you on delivering this.” I did feel some sense of entitlement and need to take credit, but should I really?
After the meeting my eyes met hers and I could see the same discomfort she exhibited during my presentation. Ofelia quickly looked away and I was left wondering what does that mean? What is going on in her mind? Should I work harder to make her presentations easier? And in the midst of all these thoughts, anger starting forming. I am jumping up and down, left and right, losing sleep and not collecting any credit, only to be left wondering what could I do better? She could wipe all my worries by simply telling me what is going on behind her pretty face, but she chooses to resume to ambiguous glances. This ungratefulness is disturbing and makes me wonder about her character. Does she do it on purpose or is this just internalised men-hate? Either way, I might quite soon get fed up with it.
