So much has been said in recent years about our unwillingness or even the societal expectation to answer "how you doing" with a gentle, ungiving "fine". And yet, when someone asks me "how you doing", unless I am on a really low low or a really high high, I am usually just "fine".

I wonder if it has less to do with me not wanting to burden the other person or take up space. In my particular case right now, it probably has less to do with shame or guilt as well-- you know shame when you're not doing well, because "you're supposed to be grateful", "you're supposed to be able to take care of yourself to be better", "you're even supposed to will yourself to be better"; or the guilt when you're doing a bit too well, "maybe it's not kind to flaunt", "maybe I should be doing more, showing up more"...

Through years of work with therapists and coaches, I think I feel the shame and guilt much less these days (while the mindvoices still exist, they're so mellow!); I have also gotten over the idea of "being a burden" or "taking up too much space", and fully embraced 'being vulnerable' and 'friends are here and they want to help me'.

So, what's stopping me from scratching the surface beyond "fine" you ask?

Honestly, I just don't know! I have used the feelings wheel. I journal quite a bit. But no, nada. There's just some sense of blatant acceptance of the mundanity of life on most days-- even on days that are not so mundane! There's something about a secure 21st century life (when you live above the third level of Maslow's Law of Hierarchy) that's just too conducive to nihilism.

Or is it just me? :O

PS: I really think / want to believe this is not me on most days. But I also know this is me on more days than I would like. So, well, that's that I guess?