Regrets

Some lives are filled with regret, and while mine may not be filled, I certainly have some regrets. I regret not loving my brother more, and spending time with him. I regret the circumstances that prevented me for being there for him. I regret having compromised my integrity for short term pleasures. But most of all, I regret not living my life for me.

Weighed down by the thought of the thoughts of others, I colored inside the lines so as to not be made a pariah. I made the “right play” to make sure that I was picked the next time we were picking teams.

And life has given me not shortage of excuses to lean on like a crutch. Having ADHD gives me a plausible explanation for my fear of rejection. A tumultuous relationship with my mother also gives me cover. Having only been celebrated for my academic accomplishments and for being the “good kid”, too gave me defense.

The reality though is that regardless of the circumstances that may or may not have caused me to hide from who I really wanted to be, I have one reason to pursue that person in spite of.

That reason is that we are all allotted one life with a finite number of seconds to accomplish as much or as little as we so choose. For this reason alone, I should’ve given my all into becoming who I dreamed of being.

This story is not over, and I dare say we have not even reached the halfway point of this tale. The time passed is a set of burned tokens and the blockchain of life will keep record of them. It is my duty though to decide what happens next.