I try so hard not to let my mind return to you. It somehow always manages to. Whatever I’m doing, something reminds me of you, and a whole fresh wave of pain seeps through my head, causing my heart to ache and my emotions to spike. I try so hard not to let our disagreeing views to hurt me, but they do. And I think they hurt the most because for the longest time, I thought there was no disagreement between us.

Was it wrong for me to assume that you and I really were the same when almost everyday we said that? Was it wrong for me to feel betrayed when you revealed that actually weren’t on my side? I don’t think it was. So why do you? Why did you try to go on as if nothing had really changed when I only saw a stranger standing beside me? Was it wrong for me to close myself off again, as if we were never friends? It was the only way I could hope to protect myself from further pain. Yet somehow, it made everything worse.

I know you’re not gone. Not entirely. If I really wanted to, I think you would let me reach back out and—

I won’t try. I can’t try. I’d rather cling to these happy memories that cut me like a broken mirror. They are better than accidentally tearing new wounds into my heart. At least they are happy and I know they are happy because I was happy in them. And if by some accident you read this and know it’s me, I can’t say what I would like you to do. You claim I expected too much. I guess expecting open honesty between us is a lot for strangers.

But a part of me is still holding onto you for dear life. I can’t seem to let you go. I talk to Jesus almost everyday now, begging him to do something, anything, but I don’t know what I want him to do. I don’t know if I just want the pain to go away, or if I want you back.

Right now, I think I just want to be able to take a shower without the water hiding my tears. I think I just want to be able to listen to my songs without wondering if you’d like them. I think I just want to be able to enjoy the life around me without asking if you are enjoying yours just as much.

I’m tired of hurting. I miss you. When will you come home again? No, I’d rather you didn’t. I can’t say if I will do better, and leaving that to the imagination is better than risking a fresh wound. At least this way I can still ask if you’re happy. At least this way I can still think you’re happy.

I’m still thankful for you, you know. You gave me the best years of my life so far. People say I’ve still got a full life ahead of me. Maybe I do, but right now, without you in it, my future only feels half full. But I’m okay with that. Because I can still dream that yours is fuller without me glooming your sunshine.

Was it wrong for me to do the things I did? No. I’m tired of questioning myself. Sure I made some poor choices, but regardless of what I did, it’s in the past and there’s nothing I can do to change it. There’s nothing you can do to change it. But I took it to Jesus, and he promised to help me do better, and he’s forgiven my shortcomings, and I’ve forgiven my shortcomings, and my heart is at peace despite the pain. Tell me, is your heart at peace too? Do you think you can forgive me too? Do you think, even if we stay away from each other, that we can someday get back what we’ve lost?

I miss you.
When are you coming home?

~ The aching heart of a once best friend