An unbelievably transcendental track is playing in this bedroom: Shadow (Last Dance of The Night Club edit) by Chromatics.
Synth waves spread across the room like a musical scent and teleport us in a beautiful state of trance, where time does not exist any more, yet it exists all at once.
And here we are again. But this time is different, isn't it?
Here we are, hugging each other in her bed. I can't help with enjoying the scent of her hair in my face, the touch of her silky skin, the warmth of her loving soul.
All of this is going to end, just as I had expected already a few months. Gosh, I would like to make it last forever, but I can't. That ball and chain keeps pulling me down from the depth of my soul. Though it's getting lighter and lighter a bit at a time, the weight is still too heavy to sustain a prolonged attachment to another human being.
Yet, it was different this time indeed. I can't even remember the last time I felt so light and at peace in the company of another human being. Mostly, I felt wanted and accepted, unconditionally, with all of my flaws. And so I accepted her too, with all of her flaws and contradictions, the very peculiarities that make us human.
It was her to make the first move and damn, if I was glad when she texted and even asked if "it is appropriate I tracked you from the group chat"!
Of course, if a guy does a move of this kind, he would come up as a creep, but if it's a girl to execute such a "diabolical" plan, that's definitely a turn-on. It has nothing to do with gender equality or similar political crap. It's just a matter of harmony. A contrabass is harmonious if you play low notes with it. A violin is enjoyable if you play high notes with it. Try to switch the two and the result will be creepy most of the times, with few considerable exceptions though. And no, I'm not within those exceptions. If we ever meet and don't exchange contacts on the spot, you will have to be the one tracking me down.
I was so glad to receive such an invitation. I even didn't care I was busy as hell with work and other side projects. I wanted to meet her!
As I expected, the first time she invited me for a night out with her friends and coworkers. It didn't matter. I didn't take it as a friend zone. She came dressed too shiny and I was the only one new in the group. Everything went as it was supposed to go. First round of drinks, sharing funny stories on the way to the club, dancing, making out, and calling a cab to her place.
Our first time was pretty satisfying and proved the good connection between us. Everything seemed great. Yet, the ball and chain began to pull right from the start. It was too good to be true.
That day at the art exhibition something began to cripple. She was asking me a lot of questions about how such art was impacting me. I replied with passion, but I didn't put the same passion into asking her about her feelings regarding the event. She felt like her curiosity was not reciprocated. I felt it, but only the next day. I guess it was too late to fix that lack of consideration. Damn, there are so many ways to overlook someone. Every time a learn a new one...
That's how she began to pull back and back and back. When you pull back too much, the rope breaks. And our rope broke pretty quickly. It did so in a natural way, without resentment. There is no room for resentment where there is no true passion.
Yet, this time there is compassion. This compassion sparks from the fact that this time I didn't simply deal with a "charming woman", but with a really decent person. What made her a "decent person"? Her honesty. One day she clearly stated what she needed and expected from our relationship. She even apologized for almost ghosting me. Ghosting is for coward people and today's world is full of them. She definitely stood out.
How did I react? I was surprised! I was even in wonder, before a woman who avoids playing sneaky mind tricks. She went straight to the point, while also maintaining her dignity. A truly remarkable example, not only for every woman, but for every man too.
Yet, at the same time I felt also relieved. Relieved from what? From the fact that I was not the man she was looking for and that I found it out before it was too late, before I totally got involved, before I could... hurt myself? Am I so scared of emotional pain? Yes, I am. Probably because I had plenty of it in my life. Sometimes I prefer physical pain. Playing football and receiving a kick in your balls is still more bearable than a brutal breakup. When your balls ache, you can transcend the pain by realising such an ordeal is just temporary. A few breaths, and you can play as before. But when your mind is flooded with emotional pain, it becomes impossible to realise it will go, eventually. Pain takes over your being and your existence, telling you "Don't even hope. I'm here to stay... forever!" and you even start believing it!
And even when finally you get rid of it - because eventually you will - that pain will leave behind a present: that ball and chain that still drags me down and keeps me from fully embracing any wonderful soul that dares to touch mine.
And here we are. Two kind souls locked in a soft hug, waiting calmly until the moment to say good-bye will come. Until then, we just stay in the present moment, where there is no melancholic past, nor uncertain future. Where there is nothing to do, nothing to say, nothing to think. It is what it is. Two people kindly boosting each other serotonin and oxytocin.
This is a fictionalised medley of my past experiences and my current thoughts. Made for 'Friends Who Write' it also contains its good dose of nonsense improvisation.