I & II Denial and Anger
Mama, why am I in love with a robot?
I'm so perplexed by his allure
His lips are ice, his eyes are blue
Machine with no flesh to ever rot
He can never feel the heat
He's alien to the concept of cold
This puzzle cannot be solved
I can never make his heart beat
I want his hands to feel warm
But he's behind a frozen glass
Deprived of his love, his touch, alas!
Mama, how can he still feel like home?
...
Did you use me just for fun?
Did you use me as a distraction?
Or did you really get up and run
Because you got scared of your own actions?
Cannot believe in one-sided connection
I saw sincerity in you eyes
Although they rarely looked in my direction
I'm unable to fathom that all was a lie
...
If you don't intend to make me stay
What reason do I have not to go?
I arrived at the station, see no other way
You've made up your mind long ago
Now it's time I made mine known
The past got me trapped, I kept hanging on
In my soul it kept building up scorn
Until the only bearable pain was moving on.
III Bargaining
Sometimes I feel alone in this prison of love
But your amazed gaze is burned in memory
I can't claim back what you casually stole
Your smile paved the way to enter my reveries
…
When I look at who you are
I see why we can never be together
There should be no other chances
No seeing each other again
You are the complete opposite
Of what is healthy to me
Of what I really need
So it's confusing how heart
Still skips her beats for you
Still waits for your texts
Finds a reason for every hurt
Gets excited what's next
Doesn't want to shut you out
What if a miracle will happen?
…
I survived climbing in the mountains
The breathtaking view
The gaping ravine
Plunging into darkness
Then starting breathing anew
You have been a challenge
And the greatest of gifts
I know you feel so deeply
There are just too many if's
You are like the mist rising off bendy river
And I find it alluring, but I crave clarity
I find it harder every day to keep you
Playing on my tired heartstrings
I have changed so much since you
But I don't think this change brings
Me any closer to my actual dreams
Because with you I ignore my needs
And obsess over enjoying fleeting moments
I yearn to feel being made into exception
Like you are to me and have been from day one
…
When you talk to me for hours instead of sleep
I cannot convince myself you don't care
When you reply a second after you read my message
I don't doubt you want to keep our connection
When you open up to me after talking between the lines
I don't fear you don't feel this peculiar pull towards me
When I arouse you from across the Atlantic ocean
I'm not anxious about you not wanting me there
When you considered coming to live here
I did not dare to have my dream come true
Those are the only moments I don't doubt your feelings
Only then I'm sure we are not made up in my delusional mind.
IV Depression
don't love me
when you hurt me
it will hurt you, too
don't care about me
when you trash me
in the nearby woods
don't give me anything
when I give you all
what if you get addicted
or do it all anyway
because you have no idea
what your actions mean
…
I need to turn a blank page
But I cannot put the crayons down
I need to revisit this picture
Cannot turn my eyes away
In my day and my age
Nothing I have is my own
So, our love I need to capture
because it cannot stay
I have had sadness, I've had rage
Palette of emotions, full-blown
I wish I had some brochure
On how our love could find a way
My obsession turned into cage
I'm like Pierrot the clown
I'll stop loving you, I'm sure
Today is just not that day
…
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved him and sometimes he loved me, too
I miss disappearing into embrace of his arms
His volcanic flamethrowing gaze
But he wasn't there to keep me warm
All he did was just set me ablaze
He briefly touched my life
Left me questioning my morals
For letting a boy staple on my heart
And burn tears in my cheekbones
Even now I would still let him in
Let him rob me of my dignity
I would let him play the king
I don't care for my friends' pity
He is the substance of my addiction
My mind rejects him but I run back
I cannot retain control over emotions
His gravity pulling me off my tracks
I don't love him the way I used to
Full of enthusiasm and hunger
I'm tempted and cannot refuse to
Lay in his deep and dreamless slumber
V Acceptance
You are painted in so many colours
I cannot distinguish love from the others
But what truth I see from this painting
Is a reflection of my inner workings
You acted as a catalyst to my self-reveal
Opened up a hidden mechanism inside
I can only try to stop the wheel
That's powering up my darker side
My addiction is a deep-seated dynamics
It's a toxic life cord I need to cut off
To find new ways of breathing
And finally adapt with no fallbacks
...
I'm officially not giving you apologies anymore
I'm officially cutting you off my heart strings
I'll give you up while there might still be hope
As I have to get over my love addiction
I've never been your first choice, a priority
That's all you've ever been to me
So this toxic thing came to a close
And I cut myself loose from an anchor
I will find someone better in time
I will love myself as if I've never failed
Loving you was a proof I can be loved
It was not a lesson, it was an experience
And I got to feel what it's like to prolong
Something that was always meant to be lost
Closure on our love story was sweet
Hope on a revival was toxic
But I'm moving on now for good
Even if you decide to come live here
And that's a harsh decision
But I cannot risk losing myself again
…
They all melt together into one frame
Eyes filled with fear after love divine
And their desire to abruptly disappear
When I want our souls to intertwine
Repetitive pattern tastes bittersweet
Faith in exceptions and love prevailed
So the weight of a choice still lies on me
Anchor's off now and the ship has sailed
I don't bear resentment, let go of blame
They shook off the ashes while I burned
We're all broken, there was no ill game
They were just afraid of getting hurt
It would definitely happen in the end
We weren't on the same page then or now
Yet I considered us worth the eventual pain
Lesson got learnt in the midst of it alone
I feel inner strength growing from the past
After years of emotions and reality waging war
I admit wrong things weren't meant to last
And that's enough reason to not return for more.
…
It seems
so distanced from me now
But not
long ago I burned to ashes
Every time
life took up the subject
Every time
I reminisced about the fall
I took for
the sake of potential unreached
It doesn't
matter who he was
The
pattern repeated time and again
But now
there's no pain left
No regret
no hurt feelings
I don't
blame them anymore
I have
truly let go of all the hurt
My heart
might still be guarded
(that has
started the snowballing before)
But I
admit I haven't got all the control
So I let
my life be unpredictable…
…
I don't
need your apology
I've
travelled far from the desire
To get
answers and to set things straight
I don't
think much about you lately
A year has
passed and I'm free
From the
burden of loving
A broken-minded boy
Who cannot
reciprocate
It's
strange to re-think my life
And follow
it's unexpected turns
That
brought me to dead-ends
And then
opened roads to self-discovery
I don't
blame you for running
When I
desired to get closer
You know,
my feelings for you
Back then
scare me now that I'm sober
This
year-long intoxication
Also taught
me a few tricks:
a) Not to
raise my expectations
b) Take
more calculated risks
Emotion of
love is a feared weapon
(exponentially
broadening your limits)
Self-destructing
you as a lesson
And
finally breaking all your spirit
Now I'm in
a watchtower, overlooking
The
highway of my past miscarriages
Of
attempts to love the unloving
And I
fathom the absence of their courage
But I
don't blame them anymore
I can do
so much better.