Well, I'm flying to Damascus to get my hair cut. I've been told there's nothing like a haircut from there - okay, so actually, I'm flying to Damascus to study, but I'm sure I'll also get my hair cut. It's traditional after a breakup to cut your hair. For whom? Well... that's true, it's not really common around here, and not really for me...

Okay, I'm flying to Damascus, I really am - I'm telling you, this part is true. And I did go through a breakup .. alright, alright, it was a fictional break up; my heart beat for Thor, but then I realized I'm a sapiosexual, so it needed to end between us. I'm sure we'll both find someone who checks off all our boxes, breakups only are hard for a little bit.

Sapiosexual? You want to know what being attracted to intelligence has to do with a fictional character? Excuse you! Have some empathy for a grieving young lady!

Yes, that bracelet is mine. Yes, I have a wealthy aunt - yes, back home, in Montgomery. You don't know where Montgomery is? Oh, you're wondering why I speak like this if I'm from Montgomery. Well, sir, you certainly ask the strangest questions.

Excuse me! Excuse me, give me back my bracelet! My aunt will not be pleased with this turn of events.

No, and that one too. Yes, actually, she's opening up a jewelry store. I am trying to promote it for her - yes, exactly, I'm going to promote it at the university I'm going to attend in... yes, in Damascus.

That seems strange to you? Well, haven't you heard of those little get togethers where somebody from a pyramid scheme comes and then they show you all the chatchkies and doohickies, and at the end they sell them to the guests, and maybe even get some of the guests signed up to join the pyramid scheme?

No, no, I'm not saying my aunt is running a pyramid scheme! I'm just telling you, there's a precedent set for marketing, on campus, yes, on campus.

Please sir, you're emptying all my things from my bag, and I packed it so painstakingly!

What do you mean someone reported their heirloom charm missing? It can't be this one, sir, because this one was hand crafted by my dear grandfather back in his youth. Yes, I have quite the talented family. Yes, I will miss them dearly, while I'm studying, yes, in Damascus.

You're asking me about my return ticket now? Oh, you're asking me about my ticket both ways. Well, sir, I do have that for you, of course, I just set them down - I had them in my book, you see, a type of bookmark, for safekeeping. Oh dear, now where did I put my book? Which book was it? Well it was the Bible actually, I always carry one around with me.

Can't get any more profound and interesting than the word of God, that's what I always say at least. Yes, I am Christian. For thine is the glory...right?

Alright, I am going to have to ask to speak to your manager sir, because I can not believe the audacity you have here. What exactly are you accusing me of? All of these things came directly from my home, and were given to me for my aunt's new business. In fact, if you give me your instagram handle, I'll share her page with you once it's available. Maybe if you're one of her first customers, you can even get a good deal.

No, no, no, I'm not trying to bribe an officer of the law. Goodness gracious!

Actually, now that you've shuffled through all of my things, I realize I've left something at home. Now if you'll just return to me my items, I'll be on my way. Yes, frankly I appreciate this little turn of events; as much of an inconvenience you've been to me, you're helping me out. How could I fly to university without my laptop, which I realize I've left at home?!

Oh, I'm not free to go? You're going to .... excuse me? Detain me?! But sir, what do you mean?

I don't have a valid reason to be here? Well, I don't know where my tickets went - maybe you should look into that, sir, instead of harassing an innocent soon-to-be university student!

It's not legal to travel with this many undeclared goods - sir, that's preposterous, I haven't even had a chance to declare yet!

Okay, so the Kay Diamonds has reported multiple missing pieces of jewelry after a strange power failure - I don't see what that has to do with me!

Sir, I can't be detained like this, I haven't had my haircut yet. I have to get to my destination, go to the hair salon - did I mention to you I already made my appointment? Yes, that's right. They're going to cut my bangs. I will look so youthful again!

What's a university student doing worrying about what age she looks? Sir, what is with your bewildering questions?!

I can't believe this! This is unbelievable! What does that mean? What is the profile of a shoplifter? Sir, this is hardly shoplifting - the quality of these items is beyond such a low level. I mean, how dare you accuse me of such a thing! I am an upstanding private citizen. I pay my taxes! At least, I pay more than Trump does. And probably more than any big company - yeah, you better write that down on your little notepad. Jot this down too - I am innocent. Let me get my aunt on the phone. She will straighten you out. You will have to say goodbye to that discount offer though!

Ugh...It's not a bribe! It's just marketing.

You know what?! I've had enough of you not listening to me. I only want to speak to my lawyer - yes, my aunt, and my lawyer. Until they get here, I'm invoking my right to remain silent. That's absolutely right, you won't hear another peep from me!