1. Harmoni’s P.O.V
Dear Diary, 14/05/17
The idea of karma - good and bad, that all actions suffer a consequence.
my bad karma kept me up with sleepless nights, wondering why my karma was worser than everyone else's.
what did I do to deserve this?'
•••
I put my pen down and secured my diary with it's rubber band. I placed it onto the table attached to the bed, which I thought was spacious until I realised how thin I've become.
I took a deep breath and titled my head, 'hm, nice aesthetic' I said, staring at my notepad, then the wall. The see-through blue cover and plain white paper matched the mundane colours of the room, which happened to be almost windowless, the only rays of light shone from the small panel window close to the ceiling.
If I could choose one thing to change about this hospital it would be the mirror that's so close in distance and move it elsewhere. If I turn my head or try to lay down and I see myself facing my reflection. A pale, brittle, thin-haired image. And right now, I didn't need to be reminded of how unsightly I looked. Dying was enough reality to handle, thanks.
I know, you might think. Wow! The self-loath on this girl!
I wouldn't be so surprised. I never was a particularly joyful, self-assured person. Let alone when I'm visibly sick.
Some say I'm dark-minded. As I like to say my angst gives me character.
It would be nice if I could get some sleep here.
Nurses came and took my blood pressure twice at night, they grab my arm and tell me 'you can rest' after I suddenly jolt up. As if I can sleep through a clenching machine and disturbed sleep.
I've been admitted here for 4 months now. My blood test and scan results aren't promising at the moment, but as long as I take my medication I'm not in excruciating pain.
Being stuck in hospital, or more specifically, my hospital room. I had a lot of thinking time. About the future, the past, what meals I want to eat next week on the checklist menu.
I was diagnosed in spring '17 with non-Hodgkin lymphoma. Two weeks before exams were due to begin. I had the common cold, way more than than average person. Achey bones, cracked lips and not to mention an exhaustion that weighed over me like a ton of bricks.
I used to spend my days (and occasional nights) studying. I wanted to get into a prestigious creative arts school, but I can kiss that ambition goodbye now since I probably won't live long enough.
Hm. well, at least I had my childhood. All of which I spent with my twin sister, Hannah.
I heard joyful squeals peak through my window from outside, it reminded me of the good times.
'Hello Harmoni, are you ready for you're next round of chemo?' asked my nurse for the day. Her names Lucy, she was blonde, slender and probably in her early thirties.
How can anyone be ready for this ill-ridding concoction?
'Yeah.' I replied, as I decided to keep my sassy remark.
The bleach scented hallways hit my sinuses, erugh. I never thought that over-cleanliness could make someone feel so sick.
'Did you manage to get some sleep last night?' Lucy asked. 'Uhh, yeah. Somewhat' I said doubtfully.
'Oh, I do apologise.' She said, fixing up the last of the chemo bags cover. 'Make sure you get some rest while this is running, okay?'
'Yeah, okay. Thanks' I replied as she left.
Lucy's a very kind nurse, as are most of the nurses... well, as are most people towards cancer patients. You can't be harsh to us dying kids. It'll leave a stain on their conscious.
Hopefully these perks will include having a decent nights sleep, somehow?
...A kid can dream.
2. Hannah’s P.O.V
I'm well out of my comfort zone here. You know, I'm feeling anxious for the first time ever. Yes, I may be considered 'insane' but I've never felt nervous to this degree. It's a weird, knock-on-my-confidence type of feeling.
My room was tiny compared to Harmoni's, I was in the first room on the girls ward. I had a small cupboard, desk and bed all cramped up together. At least I had a happy colour though. Yellow, bright yellow.
The mattress was uncomfortably stiff and we only got one thin pillow each, and was refused when we asked for one more. Savagery, if you ask me.
Our schedule on the mental health ward was jam-packed and couldn't get a couple of hours rest. They say it's to take our mind off our thoughts, but it's just plain draining. Each day had a new activity, I only enjoyed swimming. School here was meh. Didn't like my maths teacher. I think she confuses me on purpose.
The food here is... edible. Not enjoyable, but edible. I alternate between two meals, pasta or baked potato and beans. Water as a beverage too. Their fruit juices are always over diluted by trying to preserve it for as long as possible. As you can see funds are low.
I missed Harmoni though, and her timid nerdy ways. I didn't get much contact with her since I'm phone-less. I have to wait through the whole week to see her. Even if she is 5 minutes away.
She had much nicer food than me too. Gifts and better care. I'm not jealous but it is weird, though. We're both ill just hers is physical and mine isn't visible. But, that makes all the difference for us both. She gets the genuine sympathy and well I get... misunderstandings. At the very least.
On the plus side, my ward was vibrant and more lively. I share the ward with 4 girls and 5 boys. Some of which I got along with, and others I absolutely despised. Like my next door roomie Lacey. She was short and stumpy with a dark brown bob haircut. She was probably worser off than us all but she was the human equivalent of slow-wifi. Annoying.
I was diagnosed with schizophrenia disorder this weekend, now I take a little cup full of colourful pills to keep me thinking straight. The whole journey of getting to hospital was traumatic, I didn't know where I was going. Honestly, maybe to the afterlife because I thought I was going to be assassinated. I called the police and from there I was locked in a room somewhere.
'Hannah!'
'What?!' I exclaimed.
I heard snickering in the background outside my door. I swung the door open with force.
'Hello?!' I said, searching the hallways. 'Who's there... Lacey?!'
I let the door slam as I went back to my room, I tugged my hair in frustration, clutching my head in the palm of my hands.
I took a deep breath and ignored the faint giggles.